


Hold Your Bones (and slowly die).

by franticatlantic



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Chronic Illness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 13:01:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6908299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/franticatlantic/pseuds/franticatlantic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A chronically ill Tyler is trapped in his house, with nothing to do but spy on the new boy across the street.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Your Bones (and slowly die).

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd, as always. Any mistakes are my own and I've been proofreading piece by piece so if you spy any mistakes, feel free to let me know!
> 
> Title is from the song 'Part I: Broken Bride' by Ludo.

The boy with the blue hair moves in across the street on May 21st.

This date is already important to Tyler because it's his mom's birthday. In the months and years to come Tyler will count this as the day he and Josh met, even though that doesn't actually happen for quite some time.

Earlier that morning, Zack whined and threw a fit and basically acted like a 2 year old because he wanted to go out for Mom's birthday, because she deserved a nice sit-down dinner at a fancy restaurant. Tyler agrees - his mom does indeed deserve all of that and more, not the least of which for dealing with Zack's whiny ass.

"You should let me and Dad take you out - it's not your fault Tyler gets sick," Tyler heard his brother say, voice wafting up the stairs and through Tyler's bedroom doorway like a slap in the face.

"Zack!" Their father had chided, and Zack had quieted.

They wound up staying in, eating cake and ice cream around the kitchen table with a few of Tyler's aunts and uncles talking mildly in the living room.

His Aunt Jessica gave birth recently, to a baby boy. She and Uncle Tom named the baby Nathaniel. Baby Nate is cute with tiny wisps of blond hair and bright blue eyes that track sleepily around the room and Tyler held him for all of 34 seconds (he knows because he counted) before Aunt Jessica started to look wary, reaching for Tyler to hand Nate back.

"Sorry, Ty. We just don't want him…y'know…"

Tyler had nodded, because he did know. They didn't want Nate to get sick.

They didn't want Tyler to _make_ him sick.

And all of a sudden Tyler didn't much feel like cake and ice cream. The pastel pink flowers on top of the cake were making him feel queasy to look at.

He'd excused himself on the grounds that he didn't feel well (which just made Aunt Jessica look even more anxious) and then climbed the stairs to his bedroom, where he shut and locked the door.

Sitting in his swivel chair, he hung his head between his legs and breathed slowly. That didn't really make the queasiness go away, but it did sort of make him feel better, cleared his head.

That's where he is - in his comfortable black chair by the window - when he lifts his head again and sees the moving van.

He glances at the clock on his desk - 5:03. He has a couple hours at least before his mom comes upstairs and asks why his door is locked. So he leans over to open the bottom drawer of his desk and extracts his binoculars.

He doesn't need them to see the scene on the front street - a man and a woman directing people into the house with their furniture, two girls sat on the curb hunched over their phones. Both have long red hair.

But in order to see inside the house, he raises the binoculars to his eyes.

And this is where Tyler must defend himself. He's been sick for a while, okay? The first time his parents figured something was wrong, Tyler was eleven and couldn't stop vomiting for three days straight. He was hospitalized for a week while they ran tests and he threw up even more and then, at the end of it all, the doctors said he was "chronically ill."

There was no saying when he would get better, or even _if_ he would.

And he hasn't.

That was seven years ago.

Tyler's eighteen now, should be starting at a university or even just a community college this upcoming Fall. But he won't because he can't. It's been so long since he stepped foot in a school he's not even sure he would remember what the hell to do at one.

His mom and dad have done a good job homeschooling Tyler while also taking Zack back and forth to his real school, but there's not much else they can teach him now. And it's supposed to be summer vacation anyway, or thereabouts, so he figures he'll deal with that when September rolls around.

For now, he spends his days playing video games, reading, spamming message boards, and…spying. That's the best way he can describe it.

Five months ago, Zack showed him this movie. Rear Window. It's about this guy in a wheelchair who can't leave his house so he spies on his neighbors from the window of his apartment. He eventually sees this other guy commit a murder and then the guy tries to kill him and Tyler bit his lip the whole time wondering what was gonna happen. Because being trapped in your house for seven years leaves you a lot of time for watching movies and TV shows and predicting the outcome of said movies and TV shows.

But Rear Window had been something new for Tyler.

While he hasn't yet witnessed anything so scandalous as a murder, _and_ he had to traverse the gross mold-ridden swamp that is their basement for his dad's old binoculars (he got sick for a few days after that, coughing up this thick black gunk that had his parents wondering if they should take him to the hospital again), it's been worth it in his opinion.

He can't see any of the houses on his side of the street, but across the street he can see two houses to the left and one and a half to the right, including the house right across from his that's been for sale as long as Tyler can remember.

With his expert sleuthing techniques, and a few pointed questions aimed at either his mother or his father, he has mostly pieced together the lives of the inhabitants of the few houses he watches almost daily. Some days he's too sick to even get out of bed, but he always tries to make up for it when he recovers.

For instance, he knows that Rebecca Slate has a long-standing affair with some random guy Tyler doesn't know the name of whenever her husband, Robert, goes out of town. Tyler's parents don't know the guy either, or if they do they don't mention him to Tyler. To them, Rebecca and Robert are just a cute alliterate couple with a long-haired chihuahua named Mickey. But no kids.

Moving right along - Tyler knows the guy at 397 is single, throws loud parties almost every weekend (and sometimes during the week), and invites a lot of girls over to his house. And Tyler knows what he most likely does with those girls after they enter, even though the guy's upstairs windows are always shuttered. Tyler's not even positive which window - exactly - is the guy's bedroom window. He think's it's the one second from the left, just because that's the one with a light that always turns on late at night, whether there's a girl there or not. The guy - whose name is Brandon - works at Home Depot.

Then there's the house across from Tyler's, the family he knows nothing about yet.

The next house is home to old Ms. Thompson, whose husband passed away when Tyler was in second grade. Now she lives alone and has a pretty unremarkable life - she makes tea every day at 7 AM, then reads the paper, then cleans a bit, watches some TV, and it's lights out by 9:30. Sometimes she'll get visits from her family, her kids coming to take her out to shop and things like that, but mostly Tyler just checks in on her every day to make sure she's still alive.

The last house he can see he can only see half of, unless he leans far out of the window. After the last time he almost fell and broke his neck, he's not too keen on doing that anymore.

So he settles for being able to see only half of the house, which is home to a single woman named Rose. Rose is in her late 30s and from his bedroom Tyler can see her room, her kitchen, and the stairs leading down to her basement. She has a daughter named Lily, who's 9. Tyler's not sure what happened to the girl's father, or if Rose was ever married to him or what, and his parents don't know either. Rose only moved in a few years back and Tyler gets the feeling she's reluctant to make friends in the neighborhood, though she does grudgingly take the cookies Mrs. Thompson brings to her front door from time to time. Tyler frequently sees Lily sneaking cookies from the cookie jar.

And that's what his world has narrowed down to for the past five months (or broadened to, depending on how you look at it). His parents will mention other close friends in the neighborhood, but Tyler doesn't really care about any of them. He'd much rather watch the front street for any signs of a murder. He honestly can't wait for the day he sees Rose dragging a body down her basement steps, as morbid as that sounds.

Back at the house right across the street, two boys have emerged from the backyard. Tyler cracks his window, hears them talking about the pool and then arguing over which bedroom they want.

One boy is tan with dark hair. The other is pale - paler than Tyler even though Tyler spends 95% of his time out of the sun. And he has blue hair. From this distance, Tyler can't make out anything else about the boys.

A raise of his binoculars tells him the first boy has thick eyebrows, the other stretched ears and a ring in his nose.

The boy with the blue hair is exactly Tyler's type. If Tyler had a type.

See, high school is when most kids experiment with that type of thing, but considering Tyler didn't have a conventional high school experience, he never had a conventional sexual awakening, if you want to call it that.

He knows he's interested in boys only because he finds himself thinking more about Brandon than the girls he brings over to have sex with, and more about Rebecca Slate's affair than about Rebecca herself.

"Jordan, help your father move the couch, please."

And just like that, Tyler has the name of the first boy, who extracts himself from haggling with whom Tyler assumes is his brother and assists his dad getting the sofa into the living room.

The mother then turns her attention to the girls sitting on the curb. "Girls, are you even going to look at the house or do you plan to be on your phones the entire time we're in Columbus?"

"Coming!" The girls answer in unison. They get to their feet in unison, stow their phones in unison, and enter the house in unison.

 _Twins?_ Tyler wonders.

After a while, the family gets all of their things moved in, and everyone has picked a room. Tyler imagines the parents chose the master bedroom, which must be at the back of the house like Tyler's parents' is. The twins are sharing a room that Tyler also can't see, Jordan has settled on the bedroom on the far left of the house, and the other boy that Tyler has no name for yet picked the room right across from Tyler's.

He spends the better part of two hours watching the blue-haired boy put posters on the walls. He has a lot of band posters, punk groups Tyler's heard of but never gotten into, as well as an X-Files and an Avengers poster. Both great choices, if you ask Tyler.

Eventually it's almost 7 and Tyler's dozing in his chair, legs tucked beneath him and binoculars pillowed in his lap. There's a knock at his door.

Tyler starts, reaches down to his desk drawer while trying to disentangle his legs from under him. Except he falls because his legs have gone numb, grunting as his elbow collides with the edge of his desk.

"Tyler?" His mom's voice.

"Y-yeah, just a minute," Tyler grits out. He gets the drawer open, tosses the binoculars in and closes it.

Getting to his feet is a bit more of a chore, shaking his legs out and trying to get feeling back into them.

"Ty, are you okay?"

"Yes." He eventually climbs onto one foot with the help of his bed, clawing at the sheets to get up.

Then he hops to the door and opens it. His mother is obviously worried, brows stitched together as Tyler hops back to the bed and sits on the edge, rubbing feeling into his other leg.

"What was that noise?" His mother asks as she enters.

"Fell. My legs went numb sitting for so long. S'okay."

His mother sighs. "I wish you wouldn't keep your door locked. If anything were to happen to you-"

"I know. But it makes me feel-"

"-safe," his mother finishes. "I know."

That's partly true. Before the spying thing, he always used to keep his door locked. It made him feel like nothing could get to him in the space of his bedroom - no germs or bacteria or anything else bad. Now he mostly does it so his family doesn't catch him spying.

His mother comes to sit next to him on the bed. Tyler's leg is buzzing uncomfortably as blood rushes to it.

"Did you have a nice birthday?"

"Of course. It was nice seeing Nate - he's gotten so big."

Tyler just nods, doesn't want to talk about baby Nate or his wide blue eyes or how (if Tyler didn't make him seriously sick during the 34 seconds he held him) he'll grow up to be a really great soccer player or something like that.

His mom always seems to know what he's thinking without Tyler having to say a word so she changes the subject. "Did I wake you up?"

Tyler nods. "Yeah, but it's a good thing you did or else my legs might've fallen off."

They share a quiet laugh at that, Tyler more so than his mom. He imagines his parents having to live with a sick kid who's also a paraplegic. His stomach churns when he laughs too hard.

In the quiet of the room, he feels the walls pressing close. "I'm sorry, Mom. You should have let Dad and Zack take you out. I wouldn't have minded."

"Tyler, I told you never to apologize for being sick. You can't help that."

Tyler shrugs, looking at the floor, at the scratchy fibers of his cream-colored carpet. "No one else can either. You shouldn't have to suffer just because-"

His mom hugs him, then, gathers him up against her and presses a kiss to the crown of his head. "No one is suffering, Tyler. Not me, not your dad, and definitely not Zack." She chuckles. "We love you, and we just want you to get better."

Tyler doesn't answer, just lets his mom hold him for a few more seconds. When she leans back, she brushes a thumb along his chin. "You should get back to sleep - you look tired. I'm sorry I woke you up. You feel like any meds tonight?"

He thinks about it, but ultimately shakes his head. "No, 'm good." He still feels nauseous, but that's nothing a good night's sleep can't fix.

His mom nods, gives him another quick kiss to his forehead and then heads for the door.

"Happy birthday, Mom. Love you."

"I love you too, Tyler. Goodnight."

And then she's gone, closing Tyler's door.

He doesn't lock the door again, just sits on his bed for a few and runs his socked feet along the carpet.

Then all of a sudden he remembers the family across the street. He totally forgot to ask his mom if she knew anything about them.

Turning back toward the window, he crawls to the opposite side of the bed to sit on that side. He finds the blue-haired boy first, the lamp in his room illuminating it with a soft glow. The boy is sat on the bed, playing a video game and holding his phone to his ear. Without being able to hear the conversation, Tyler imagines he's talking to a friend back home about the move, about how he and his brother fought over which room they wanted, about the pool out back.

On the first floor, the twins are watching a movie in the living room. Jordan's room is dark and Tyler doesn't currently see any of the other members of the family.

He wishes he could watch the blue-haired boy for a while longer, but he does feel pretty tired. And when he lays out on his bed, he can only see the corner of the other house's roof.

It doesn't take long for him to fall asleep, window still cracked and door unlocked.

-

The next morning, Tyler wakes with a stuffy nose, a scratchy throat, and a cough to wake the dead. His eyes are moist, itchy.

While he's still waking up, he wonders why. He didn't go outside yesterday and no one at the party was sick as far as he knew.

Clearing his throat as he sits up, he sees the window. Sees that it's still open just an inch and hates himself.

He's achey as he stands up, shuffling to the window and shutting it. "Stupid," he mutters, scrubbing a hand over his face.

If he keeps this up, he'll never get better. In Tyler's mind, all he has to do is go long enough without making any stupid mistakes and he'll be cured. Remember to close the window, stay inside, stay away from anyone who's sick, take a pill at the first sign of a symptom, etc. Something always sets him back.

In seven years, he hasn't gone more than three days without getting sick again in some way.

His clock says it's 8:45. He slept way longer than he usually does, which means his parents are already at work and Zack is at school.

Tyler stretches painfully, goes to the bathroom, and then pads downstairs. From the cabinet above the stove, he has to stand on tiptoe to get to his allergy pills. One of which he takes with a glass of soy milk.

It will only make him feel marginally better, but marginally is better than working with completely miserable.

Back upstairs, he showers, hoping the steam will help clear his sinuses. It does, working in tandem with his pill to get rid of most of the congestion and the itchiness of his eyes. But even though it's late May, he still has to put on a long-sleeved shirt and sweats because he's shivering, joints aching with every movement.

He can't believe he forgot to close the stupid fucking window.

It's a quarter past nine when he returns to his room, wrapping himself in a blanket from his bed and settling in at the window. Even though he has a vested interest in the other people on the block, he can't keep from checking on the house right across the street first.

The place is empty, though, as far as Tyler can tell. Jordan's blinds are open, but his room is abandoned. The blue-haired boy's blinds are closed completely, and the downstairs looks to be completely void of life as well. The car that accompanied the van yesterday is nowhere to be found, so Tyler assumes everyone is at work or school, much the same as his family.

Except Tyler, who is never anywhere but home.

He checks on Ms. Thompson next, sees her cleaning the lamp next to her front door. Still kicking.

Rose's house is empty because she's at work and Lily is at school. Rebecca Slate is home, exercising on her treadmill in the living room. And Brandon is most likely at work as well.

Tyler scans the street for a few more seconds, just waiting to see if anything interesting will happen. When nothing does, he sets the binoculars down and swivels to his desk to retrieve his phone.

He has a message from his mom, the same as always - _Just dropped Zack off at school. Text or call if you need anything, love you._

Tyler doesn't tell her he's sick again, doesn't see a reason to. He types: _Just woke up. you know anything about the family who moved in across the street?_

He doesn't expect a response right away - his mom works at the local high school so she spends most of her time at work dealing with snot-nosed students who would rather be outside eating their own boogers or something rather than at school learning. She'll get back to Tyler in between classes or at lunch.

Booting up his laptop, he opens AIM first. A couple messages from Jenna.

_dude, i just finished rear window and w t f_  
_that was a whole 'nother level of fuckery_  
_the guy should have just minded his own business y/n?_  
_he would still be alive_  
_ugh wake up_  
_i hate that we're in different timezones_

Jenna is Tyler's best friend. They met online, on a forum for people with chronic illness. But Jenna lives in California so sometimes their schedules are hard to match up. And Jenna can leave the house, which means she has more of a life than Tyler does. Than Tyler ever will, probably.

 _Sorry_ , he types back, _I passed out at like 7 last night._  
_Did you like it though?_  
_Also, can you blame him? He's stuck in his house with nothing else to do and it's the 50s. No internet or video games or porn._  
_Alsox2, I'm sick again. forgot to close the window last night cough cough_

He also doesn't expect a swift response from Jenna, considering their time difference. She's probably still asleep.

The rest of Tyler's morning is spent browsing online, watching a few more episodes of The Walking Dead, and poking at the sick bruise blossoming on his elbow from where he bashed it against his desk last night. He should put some ice on it or something, but he feels too weak to go downstairs so he decides to just suffer.

Around 10 his mom texts him back - _Not too much yet just that their last name is Dun and they're from Iowa._

She doesn't ask why Tyler wanted to know, because she knows Tyler's just curious about everything outside of the house. Everything he doesn't get to see anymore.

_Cool thanks_

A few seconds later, she responds: _Gotta head back to class now. What do you think about pork chops for dinner?_

Tyler's parents really should get gold medals for finding the time to work, teach Tyler, take care of him, traffic Zack back and forth to school and sporting events, and cook dinner, all while managing not to keel over from exhaustion.

 _Sure_ , he replies, _I can start some veggies before you guys get home so just text me when you're leaving._

Then he goes back to poking fingers into his bruise, watching the skin turn white before fading back to a gruesome purple.

It's almost 12 when he hears a car outside, pushes off with one foot to slide closer to the window, peering out.

It's a beat-up green Volvo, engine practically roaring as it pulls into the driveway of the Dun house. That's definitely not the car Tyler saw yesterday. The blue-haired boy emerges, giving a clap to the hood of the car. He's wearing a black backpack that bounces as he hurries into the house. Must have been his car from back in Iowa that arrived today.

Tyler doesn't think the blue-haired boy looks young enough to be in high school, but maybe he's wrong. Snatching the binoculars up, he turns his attention to the blue-haired boy's window. The blinds stay closed for a few minutes.

He really hopes the boy opens them or today's going to be so boring.

To his delight, the boy does. Tyler sees he's thrown his backpack on the floor beside the bed and he begins to chug what looks like a Red Bull. That cannot be healthy for him.

Whether it's healthy or not, though, soon enough the drink is finished and the boy tosses the can into the waste basket by his desk. Tyler imagines the boy burping loudly and lets out an honest to God giggle.

There's a beep from his laptop. Jenna.

_yeah he's stuck in his apartment but you're stuck in your house and you don't watch people creepily all day_

Tyler blushes.

Jenna continues:

_also what kind of sick?_  
_need i be worried?_

Tyler bites at his lip and starts typing.

_just allergies it's all good._  
_feel like shit tho_  
_need to invest in a nice pair of binoculars to cheer myself up_

In the blue-haired boy's bedroom, he's back on the phone.

 _hardy har_ , Jenna responds. _always knew u were a cr33p_  
_hope u feel better tho_  
_what're you up to today?_

She always asks even though she knows the answer, with varying degrees of nuance.

_the usual._  
_playing video games, watching twd._  
_you?_

_ugh lucky._  
_gonna try not to kill my mom going dress shopping today._  
_wish me luck._

_good luck lol._

After that, he dares to open notepad and write a bit, even though he's hated everything he's ever written in the past year or so. It's no different today, but he still saves everything in a folder inside of six other folders. For posterity. So that it would take someone a long time to find his shitty poems if he ever died and someone raided his laptop.

He hears from Jenna periodically, mostly grumpy messages about her day, and glances out of the window more than a few times. Blue-haired boy falls asleep around 2:30. Tyler can tell he was exhausted after a long day of whatever it was he did. School, he assumes.

Brandon rolls in at 2:45 wearing his Pizza Hut polo, stays inside for about ten minutes, and then leaves again in a change of clothes.

At 3, his mom texts him to start dinner. Tyler is loathe to leave his chair for multiple reasons, the foremost being that he still feels like death. And then because he's afraid - for some reason - that blue-haired boy will wake up while he's gone.

Tyler stares out the window at the boy as he naps, arm thrown over his chest, mouth open slightly. "Stay there," he whispers, and then realizes how creepy that was.

With a shiver, he picks himself up and heads downstairs.

He has broccoli, carrots, and mushrooms sautéing when his mom gets home with Zack, talking a mile a minute about this boy he hates in his Math class. He stops as soon as he sees Tyler.

Tyler suspects, when Zack starting getting really good at basketball and when he started hanging out more with friends at the mall than at home, their mother told him it was insensitive to mention these kind of things around Tyler. But Tyler doesn't mind, really. Zack said it himself - it's not his family's fault that he's sick and they shouldn't have to suffer along with him.

"Hey, Zack. How was school?"

"Fine, I-"

"Tyler, your voice." Their mother cuts his brother off, coming around the counter to press a hand to Tyler's forehead.

He's still feverish and headachy, pulling away from his mother's touch. "I'm fine, Mom. It's just allergies." He does not mention that he accidentally left the window open last night.

"Did you take a-"

"Yes, I took a pill."

"You should be in bed." She's ushering Tyler away from the stove, toward the stairs. "Zack, do your homework."

"Can't I go out with Mark first? I promise I'll do my homework around 6."

"No. Homework now."

Their voices fade and Tyler misses the warmth of the stovetop immediately, crawling into bed and pulling his comforter over himself. He shivers violently, but knows this is nothing out of the ordinary. Fevers normally affect his body this way.

Despite the fact he slept for 12+ hours last night he falls asleep again, wondering what blue-haired boy is doing.

When he wakes, it's dark. He's sweating something horrible, kicks his covers off and strips out of his shirt. The clock says it's 8:30. He needs to stop sleeping so much or he'll never finish The Walking Dead.

His fever's broken, owing to why he's so hot, but it'll be back before he goes to sleep again so he keeps his sweats on and his shirt close.

Sitting up, he can see across the street that the Dun family is having dinner in the kitchen. Tyler blinks sleep from his eyes and squints, but without his binoculars it's hard to see anything specific. He feels too dizzy to lean down and grab them, though, so he only knows the individual family members by the colors of their hair and he can't differentiate between the twins at all.

He sits and watches for a while, sweating in the dark of his room, until the family disperses. Jordan stays behind to wash the dishes while the blue-haired boy goes to his room. He fires up the PlayStation once more and gets on his phone yet again. Tyler wonders who he's always talking to - a friend back home, a girlfriend back home? A boyfriend?

All of a sudden Tyler's pretty parched so he makes himself stand and go downstairs.

Zack is nowhere to be found, most likely in his room or out with Mark. But his parents are in the living room watching TV.

"Hey, Dad."

"Hey, Ty. How you feelin'? Mom told me it's another bad one."

"Nu-uh. I feel better. My fever broke so I'm just reveling in the sweat."

His dad chuckles. "We left some food in the fridge for you."

"Thanks."

His plate, covered in cling wrap, includes a helping of vegetables, a glob of mashed potatoes, and a blackened pork chop. This is so that there's no chance of it making Tyler sick - any meat he consumes has to be well done and burnt to a crisp because his body doesn't take kindly to anything less. Even though he's been dying (heh, _dying_ ) for a medium-rare steak the past few years, it's just not possible. E.coli lurks around every corner.

Grabbing a knife and fork, he starts up the steps, then turns back to his parents. "So, the family across the street…"

His mom perks up. "Oh, they're great. I ran into the wife coming home today - think her name is Laura? They moved because her husband's doing some infrastructure work on the new mall downtown."

Tyler's dad scoffs, says something about the mall being a 'monstrosity.' And Tyler doesn't want to push his luck asking about the kids just yet so he takes his food upstairs.

One of the only good things about his situation is that he can get away with stuff Zack can't, like eating in his room.

He kicks the door shut and locks it, takes a seat at his desk and starts scarfing his food down because he's way more hungry than he thought. Inside the Dun house, the blue-haired boy has already drawn his blinds and - presumably - gone to bed. It's only 8:45, which Tyler thinks is odd. Most kids their age (assuming, of course, that he and the boy are around the same age) don't go to bed until well after midnight. But the green Volvo is still in the driveway so he doesn't know where else the boy might be.

Ms. Thompson's house is dark, as is the left side of Rose's house. The Slates are watching TV and at Brandon's house every single light is on. Probably gearing up for another party.

Tyler eats his vegetables and mashed potatoes first, gnawing on the pork chop as he opens his laptop once more.

Jenna wants to know where he's been all afternoon and if he died she's flying out to his funeral.

_Not dead yet._  
_I fell asleep again._  
_how was the rest of shopping?_

He spends the rest of the night playing slither.io, lets his mom in to take his empty plate and offer him a stomach pill that he downs with a pouch of Capri-Sun, just to be safe. His parents go to bed, he hears Zack come in and do the same about an hour later, and Tyler feels the thumping of the bass before he hears it.

AIM is open, a rapid-fire conversation currently ongoing between him and Jenna about the last few episodes of The Walking Dead. Jenna totally thinks it's Abraham, but Tyler says that's too obvious, that Negan wouldn't kill the guy asking for it. Tyler's theory is all Glenn.

The music is so loud it shakes the frame of his window.

 _brb_ , he tells Jenna.

Swiveling around to glance out of the window, Brandon's house is indeed the scene of the crime, lights flashing behind the windows and people swarming the front lawn. Tyler grabs the binoculars because sometimes two guys will get in a fight on the sidewalk and Tyler doesn't want to miss that.

The music seems louder than normal tonight, but Tyler is always the only one who can hear it. As for his family, Zack and his parents' bedrooms are on the opposite side of the house, overlooking the backyard so they can sleep soundly. As for the rest of the people on the street, Ms. Thompson takes her hearing aids out at night, Rose and Lily are the farthest house away from Brandon's, and the Slates both take sleeping pills before they go to bed so they're dead to the world until their alarms go off at 6 AM.

And Tyler is usually up around this time - this time being 1 in the morning - or he's so exhausted that he could sleep through an air raid. So he's never felt the need to complain.

But the Duns have just moved in, and Tyler's not sure if any of them take sleeping pills or not. He scans the front of the house, and sees the blue-haired boy's bedroom light flicker on. The blinds are drawn a few seconds later and Tyler sees the boy, hair mussed and clothes askew, open the window. He leans out to look down at Brandon's house and his sleepy-confused expression turns into one of pure rage. Tyler's sure he sees the F word leave his mouth.

The boy retreats from the window and leaves his room. Tyler leans forward in his chair, blanket pulled tight around him. His fever came back an hour or two ago like he knew it would and he should be in bed resting, but in Tyler's mind there's no difference between sitting down resting and lying down resting. Either way he's not exerting himself.

It takes a minute or two, but eventually the Dun's downstairs hallway light comes on and then the blue-haired boy emerges from the front door. He's barefoot, padding across the drive to Brandon's front lawn.

Tyler's heart leaps into his throat. He wants to tell the boy not to go over there, that some of Brandon's friends can get pretty rowdy and pretty drunk. But the boy is already there, confronting the first person he comes to outside of Brandon's house.

Tyler abandons the binoculars to crack the window again, making a mental note to remember to close it this time.

He hears the phrase 'some of us have to get up early' as he grabs the binoculars again.

In the time it takes him to lean over for the binoculars and look back out the window, he's pretty sure he might actually witness a murder tonight. The drunk guy has the blue-haired boy in a headlock and the boy elbows the guy in the side. Drunk guy falls on his ass, releasing the boy, but one of his friends is there to back him up.

The blue-haired boy takes a punch to the cheek and Tyler's on his feet with a hand clamped over his mouth, fever forgotten. He's very hot again all of a sudden, wanting the blue-haired boy to tackle the guy to the grass and beat the shit out of him. It would be like a movie, watching the underdog triumph.

But real life isn't like a movie and the blue-haired boy receives two more punches to the jaw and one to the abdomen before someone is screaming "Josh!"

It's the blue-haired boy's mom, Laura, rushing out of the house and toward the party. Brandon decides to make an appearance then, restraining his drunk partygoer and trying to set Josh and his mom at ease.

It takes a while, Josh fuming, being joined by his dad and Jordan as well. But eventually Brandon agrees to end the party and send his friends home.

Back at the Dun household, Josh gets an icepack on his eye and heads to his room. Tyler sits back down gingerly, as if any sudden movements might disturb the scene he just witnessed.

Josh sits on his bed holding the icepack to his face. And that's all he does for a good fifteen minutes while Tyler watches. Eventually the icepack gets placed on Josh's desk and he closes the blinds.

Brandon's party officially ends around 1:30. One car stays in Brandon's driveway, most likely belonging to the girl Brandon invited to share his bed tonight.

Tyler turns back to his laptop.

_Sorry, there was just a huge fight out front._

_holy shit, really??? was there blood?_

Sometimes Tyler doubts Jenna's sanity.

_no, the new kid across the street took a few licks tho._

_ooh new kid? is he hot?_

_Yes,_ Tyler thinks. _Very._

_lol calm down horn dog._

_dude, i'm jus trying to look out for my homie._  
_you talk abt sebastian stan way too much i need to find you a boyfriend_

Tyler is tired now, so he says goodbye to Jenna, shuts the window, and crawls into bed. His fever makes itself known after the adrenaline has worn off completely and he shakes himself to sleep, thinking that mysterious, handsome blue-haired boy finally has a name.

Josh.

-

Josh has bruises on his face for a long time.

Tyler sees them when Josh leaves the house with his backpack, when he comes home with friends he's made, when he sits in his room on the phone.

Because Josh is so pale the bruises seem almost bright against his skin, starting out black and blue and fading to purple-green. They shine in the sunlight when Josh comes outside to take the cookies Ms. Thompson is offering, his smile equally as bright. She stops at Tyler's house next and Zack brings him up a handful, which he eats while he continues to spy on Josh.

Josh has become his main focus. He's intrigued, mostly because Josh is cute. Very cute. But also because it's June and schools are out and Josh continues to leave the house some weekdays with his backpack. Summer school, Tyler thinks, and then wonders how old Josh is for the umpteenth time. There's no way he's younger than 16, but he doesn't look older than 20.

On June 18th Josh has a birthday party and Tyler's question is answered. With his trusty binoculars, Tyler watches Laura Dun put candles on the cake - a bright blue 1 and a green 9. 19. Josh is 19. That's only a year older than Tyler. _No shit, Sherlock,_ he tells himself. But he still exhales in relief, which hurts his throat because he's sick again. Go figure.

Today is one of those days he spends solely in his room, meds making him too sick to want to eat, the actual illness making him too sick to even go downstairs and watch TV. So he talks to Jenna, who's also having a pretty bad sick day, and tells her about the party.

_get some cake for me_

Tyler wonders if she's being serious, because Jenna knows he shouldn't be leaving the house. The … that appears puts him on edge. Then it's gone.

_yknow metaphorically_

_of course. Metaphorical cake is the best, imo._

Out the window, Josh comes around the side of his house in swim trunks, soaking wet after another dip in the pool, which is where the majority of the party is taking place. That pisses Tyler off because that means he can't see, but it also excites him because it means when Josh comes around to greet newcomers to the party, Tyler can grab his binoculars and watch the way his muscles move under his skin, watch the droplets of water cascading down his neck and chest. The chlorine has turned Josh's hair a funny shade of green, but Josh doesn't seem to mind, just welcomes the new guests and then disappears back behind the house with them.

It's a Saturday so Tyler's parents are both home, but they leave at 4 to take Zack to a basketball game.

"Tape it for me," Tyler tells them, coughing into the crook of his arm.

They always do, but watching game tape isn't the same as actually being there. Zack promises to play his best for Tyler, as always.

And then Tyler naps.

He thinks often about the day he'll fall asleep and never wake up. Thinks about his lungs collapsing while he dreams, infection zapping his brain while he's counting sheep.

But he wakes up once more, to the sound of car doors slamming below. Zack and his parents must be home. The sun is going down and he hears voices outside, but feels too weak to get up and see who they belong to.

He burrows himself further into his covers and sniffles. There is a mess of used tissues by his pillow and he grabs one, blows his nose noisily as he hears the front door open. Zack's talking wildly as Tyler hears shoes being kicked off and a ball being thrown onto the living room floor.

Their father chides Zack, telling him to take his stuff upstairs. Tyler hears his name.

A few seconds later, he hears footsteps ascending the stairs and then someone opens Tyler's unlocked door. "Ty?" Zack asks, too loud.

Tyler whines and burrows deeper into his bed.

"Oh, sorry," Zack whispers, but Tyler hears him come in anyway. "The kid across the street's having a birthday party and his mom gave her a few pieces of cake so I brought you one."

Tyler feels like he's been electrocuted, unearthing himself from his mountain of covers in record time.

"Jeez," Zack breathes. "I thought you were trying to sleep?"

"I am," Tyler says stuffily. "I mean, I was. Until you came in making all that noise."

Zack rolls his eyes and puts the plate on Tyler's dresser. "You're welcome, bozo. I've gotta shower before you get any sicker." Zack makes to leave and Tyler's edging toward the piece of cake, seemingly blinking at him like a homing beacon, but then Zack stops. He's looking at something on Tyler's desk. "Are those Dad's binoculars?"

Tyler feels another little shock. He chokes out, "w-what?"

Zack points. "On your desk, are those Dad's binoculars? I haven't seen them in forever."

"Oh, y-yeah. Dad gave them to me for…bird watching." It's the first thing that comes to mind, the easiest explanation for why he would have a pair of binoculars on his desk.

"Oh, cool." Zack nods and leaves and Tyler just has to hope he doesn't ask their dad about it.

He supposes he could have just told Zack the truth, because it's not like what he's doing is hurting anyone. But he just doesn't want to have that conversation - 'oh yeah, I watch our neighbors and I know everything about them. Did you know Mrs. Slate is cheating on her husband?'

No, that does not sound pleasant.

Tyler remembers the piece of cake. He snatches it from his dresser and then goes to his chair and sits.

Yellow cake, with white icing and blue swirls of sugar inlaid. Tyler has the piece with the 'os' from Josh's name on it. The blue o curls languidly into the s, which would then sneak quietly into an h if Tyler had that piece of cake, too. But he doesn't. All he has from Josh's world right now is an 'os,' belonging to the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOSH.

He isn't hungry, but he eats the whole thing, savors every last bite as much as he can. Then he opens AIM again.

_Dude, I got some cake._

_are you srs?_

_yeah, the kid's mom gave it to my mom and zack brought me a piece._

_aww that's sweet. he probably likes you._

Tyler makes a face.

_??? i said his MOM gave us cake_

_he probably asked her to hahaha_

That doesn't make any sense to Tyler, that Josh would ask his mom to give the random family across the street some cake. Then he realizes Jenna's messing with him again.

_l o l_  
_ur funny_  
_so funny_  
_u should be a comedian_

_i live to please, really._

He feels kind of sick after all that sugar, sits rubbing his stomach and popping cough drops while the sun dips further behind the horizon. The sky is dark, stars out, when the party finally ends.

Tyler expects Josh to go out and do something fun afterward, but he just retires to his room and lays on the bed. Tyler could have told you before it happened that Josh was going to reach for his phone and he does, dials the someone he's always talking to and holds the phone to his ear.

Evidently the person picks up because Josh relaxes back into his pillows and smiles. Tyler watches with his chin pillowed in his hand until Josh starts doing something weird.

He's running a hand down his chest, lightly. Almost…teasingly. Tyler squints - even through the binoculars he's missing something.

Then Josh's hand goes to his jeans, starts unbuttoning them.

Tyler's own hand swats out and closes his laptop, as though someone could see him.

Because he's pretty sure - no, he's definitely sure - that Josh is about to jerk off.

But he's still on the phone as he pushes his pants and boxers down around his thighs. Tyler's brain is short circuiting - he has a moment to think _phone sex?_ before Josh wraps a hand around himself and does this odd squeezing motion.

His eyes roll back in his head and he presses his teeth together in what Tyler imagines is a hiss. Josh's dick is pink and hard and getting harder and Tyler wonders if he locked the door.

Josh moves his fingers around the head of his cock slowly, pillows his phone on his shoulder and reaches down to rake his fingers across his thigh with his other hand. Tyler's sweats are getting tight, but he's afraid to move.

The whole thing only lasts a handful of minutes - Josh starts jacking his cock properly, lubing the way with spit, and then cums all over his stomach and fingers. A bit splatters on his jeans as well. Josh looks wrecked, chest heaving, dark lashes fanning out over his heated cheeks.

Lazily, he runs his fingers through the mess on his stomach, still on the phone for a minute or two more. Then he hangs up, cleans up, and tosses his jeans in the corner.

And then he does something very strange. He sits on the edge of his bed in his boxers, presses his fingers into the corners of his eyes, and starts to cry.

Now, Tyler doesn't masturbate often - due to Catholic guilt combined with an extremely low libido - but the couple of times he has it's never ended in tears. That's one of the reasons why you masturbate in the first place, he thinks - to cheer yourself up.

But Josh is crying, shoulders shaking, rubbing angrily at his face. Tyler wants to hold him, to run his fingers through Josh's weird green hair. And not just because Josh is cute. Just because that's what his mom always does for him when he's upset. Just because he'd like to be Josh's friend and make sure everything's okay.

But all he can do is sit in his comfortable chair and watch Josh cry.

Eventually Josh sobers up and goes to bed, but tonight he doesn't draw the blinds. Tyler imagines he just forgot to and even though he knows he should look away ( _good one, Ty; probably should have looked away a while ago_ ), he watches as Josh strips his shirt off and just lays on top of the covers.

That's how he falls asleep and that's how Tyler watches him for quite some time, chest rising and falling peacefully, arm slung across his eyes.

Tyler makes it to 12 AM and then his eyelids are tugging shut. He climbs in bed and balls a pillow up, wraps himself around it and pretends it's Josh.

-

Tyler thinks about not spying on Josh for a while after that. But he's weak. In both mind and body, he is _weak_.

Josh continues to leave with his backpack, comes home and works on his homework, eats dinner with his family, and goes out periodically with friends.

Sometimes he'll come home late at night sweaty as hell and red-faced. That makes Tyler wonder if he plays some kind of sport, like Zack. Like Tyler used to.

Ms. Thompson continues to bake her cookies and brew her tea, Brandon continues to bring random women home, and Tyler continues to be sick.

Life goes on.

-

Until the day everything changes.

It's the middle of July, the sun streaming through the window warming Tyler's skin. Other than a bit of a nauseous stomach, he feels completely fine. He knows that doesn't mean anything - the last time he felt completely fine he went outside and sat on the back porch for 45 minutes, listened to the trees rustling and the bugs buzzing. The next day he almost died.

So he stays inside, but keeps the window cracked a bit more than usual.

There's soft music coming from his laptop speakers and he's been chatting with Jenna and watching Markiplier videos all day.

He only looks out the window when he hears the sound of Josh's loud green Volvo outside. Binoculars pressed to the bridge of his nose, he sees Josh step out, followed by Josh's friend. This is a relatively new friend, a male, with dirty blond hair and a slight skip to his step. They're approaching Josh's front door when Josh's friend drops his keys.

Tyler turns for just a moment to grab another cracker from his bag of Triscuits. When he turns back, the guy is bent retrieving his keys. He straightens up. And looks right up at Tyler's window.

The cracker flies out of Tyler's hand as he drops from his seat and onto the floor, pressing himself against the wall beneath the window. AIM is going haywire with IMs from Jenna, most likely harassing him for falling asleep on her once more.

But Tyler's heart feels ready to beat right out of his chest, blood rushing in his ears as he stares at the crumbled cracker on the floor.

There's no way the guy saw him, right? They made eye contact for all of 2 seconds. Tyler could have just been glancing out of the window. Except he'd been holding binoculars and quite obviously looking at Josh and his friend.

Tyler lets out a long string of curse words he doesn't normally use and stays on the floor for a long time.

20 minutes pass, according to the clock on his dresser.

Only then does he find it safe to pick himself up off the floor. And he does it slowly, peeking up and over the windowsill. The hot July air hits his face through the open window and he sees…nothing. Josh and his friend must be in Josh's basement or out back or something. Because Josh's blinds are open, but his room is vacant and there's no one else home.

Tyler jumps up and sits back in his chair, rolling up to his desk and out of sight of the street below.

 _Sorry_ , he types to Jenna, _I kind of had a fall._

_are you okay??_

_Yeah, I just had to go to the bathroom and clean up_

For the next hour he plays The Sims, purposely getting every member of the family abducted and impregnated by aliens so they can have a slew of alien children running around. When he takes a break to go to the bathroom, it's on his way back that he sees Josh is in his room.

Josh hardly ever uses his laptop, at least compared to how much Tyler uses his. But he's on it now, profile perfectly framed by his window with his desk lamp on. Even with the binoculars, Tyler knows Josh's laptop screen is too small to see what he's doing, but he grabs them anyway, just to see Josh closer.

His hand shakes as he brings them to his eyes, wondering if Josh's friend said anything to him about the weird boy he saw in the house across the street. But Josh is seemingly in his own world, finger toying with his nose ring as he zones into whatever's on his computer.

Then he turns and looks at Tyler.

Tyler just about has another mini-heart attack. The binoculars fall, landing on his toe, and he yelps. He has to stand and hop around a bit, muttering profanities, and check to make sure he hasn't broken anything.

When he looks back out the window, Josh looks amused. It's hard to tell without the binoculars through the closed window, but it doesn't matter because Josh is quick to get to his feet and open it.

He's leaning out, about to yell something across the street to him, but Tyler bolts forward and closes his own window.

Josh shakes his head at this, definitely smiling now. More like smirking. He holds a finger up to Tyler and then leaves his bedroom.

Tyler can't think through the pain in his toe or the flip flopping feeling in his gut that has nothing to do with being sick.

Josh emerges from his front door a moment later, stretching in the afternoon sun. He's wearing a black tank top and jeans, a pair of black and white Vans on his feet. He just stands there for a minute, closing his eyes and letting the sun warm his face. At least that's what Tyler thinks he's doing. He's very confused.

Josh's hazel eyes flash up to his window for half a second before he's sprinting across the street toward Tyler's house.

All of a sudden Tyler realizes what's happening. "No," he mutters to himself, hurries to his bedroom door.

His parents are home, his mom will answer the door, something bad will happen. Yanking his door open, he yells down the stairs, "Mom, don't-"

The doorbell rings.

"I'll get it!" Zack shouts.

"Tyler, honey?" His mom calls. "What is it?"

But Tyler can't speak, hearing Zack opening the door and then voices. One Zack's, the other Josh's. Tyler knows the timber of Josh's voice by now, if not the exact nuances of his speech.

That's about to change, he realizes.

He could lock the door and barricade his room. But what good would that do? If he tells Zack not to let the guy upstairs, Zack is going to know something's up. And as much as Tyler loves his brother, he's a damn snitch.

"Nothing," Tyler says thickly, to his mom. "I'm good."

He retreats to the bed to wait, and then decides that's far too close to the door. He goes to his chair instead and sits rubbing his toe, his stomach clenching and unclenching. He's never vomited because of nerves, but he's about to.

Footsteps on the stairs. Tyler hangs his head between his legs, glances up just in time to see Josh emerge slowly in his doorway.

Up close, he looks like a walking protein shake.

His biceps are huge, chest well-toned beneath his black tank. His green hair is messy and his nose ring is a little crooked, probably from running across the street to Tyler's house.

"I'm sorry," Tyler blurts, surprised that no puke comes out with it.

Josh is quiet, expression unreadable. Tyler's about to start hyperventilating.

"How long have you been watching me?"

"I haven't…I mean, I don't. I was just…" He swallows, mouth dry. "Your friend told you?"

Josh nods, glances around Tyler's room as he steps further in. Tyler pushes against the floor with his foot, until his chair is against the wall and he has nowhere else to go. He's pretty afraid Josh is going to beat him up.

"So how long?"

Tyler doesn't think the look on Josh's face is hostile, not like that night he went and tried to break up Brandon's party. But what does he know about hostility? He scratches at his forearm. "Since you moved in."

Another nod. Josh doesn't say anything for quite some time. Tyler's wondering when his mom is going to come upstairs and ask about Tyler's new friend. She doesn't, though.

"Why?"

"Huh?" Tyler has been watching Josh's stomach, unable to meet his eyes.

"Why have you been-"

"Oh." _Choose your words carefully, Joseph._ "I- I watch everyone."

Josh's eyebrows disappear into his hair at that. "Really?"

It's Tyler's turn to nod, looking away bashfully.

"Can I ask why you watch anyone at all?"

Tyler shrugs. "Sure. Because I'm sick."

Josh's face goes from surprised to confused. "What's wrong with you?"

Tyler thinks about lying, he really does. _Just tell him you have the flu or something, numb nuts._ Instead he supplies the truth. "It's an autoimmune thing. I can't go outside. I mean, I used to. But…I can't anymore."

"I'm sorry." Josh sits on Tyler's bed and all of a sudden Tyler is thinking back to Josh jerking off. _Oh God, not now._

"It's fine. I'm sorry I spy on you."

"You do it all the time?" Josh is toying with the loose thread on Tyler's bedspread.

Tyler shakes his head, feeling dizzy. "No. A lot of the time I just stay in bed because I don't feel well. But I watch when I can." He doesn't tell Josh that Josh has been his main focus for the past two months.

"How long have you been watching everyone else?"

"A couple months."

"And how long have you been sick?"

Forever, Tyler wants to say. Because that's how long it feels like.

"Seven years."

Josh makes this noise with his teeth, like a hiss, but more like he's sucking in air rather than blowing it out. "Sorry, man."

Tyler shrugs again. "Them's the breaks, right?"

"I guess." Josh's eyes are flecked with gold. They're so _pretty._

"You can beat me up if you want." Even though Tyler's not positive he would survive an encounter like that.

Josh laughs, a delightful sound that fills Tyler from his toes to his hair with a warm, tingly feeling. "Why would I do that?"

"Because." That's enough of a reason for Tyler.

But not for Josh, apparently, who waves a hand in front of his face. "I don't wanna beat you up. If I'm being honest," and it's here that Josh stretches out on Tyler's bed, kicking his shoes off and resting his chin on his hands, "I kinda wanna spy on people with you."

"What?" Real eloquent, Tyler.

"Yeah, I mean it's fun, right? That's why you do it."

Tyler spies on people because there's not much else for him to do and if he plays Elder Scrolls too long every day his eyes start to feel like they've been laid out in the sun and baked for 24 hours. Josh wouldn't like it. Tyler is sure of that.

"You wouldn't like it."

Josh looks sort of affronted. "Why not?"

"It's not…" Tyler trails off, unsure of how to articulate to Josh that watching the inhabitants of a suburban Ohio town is not exciting.

"What's your name?" Josh asks, before he's formed an answer.

"Tyler."

"I'm Josh."

"...I know."

Josh laughs again and Tyler feels his face warm.

"Hey, what did you say to my brother to get him to let you come upstairs?"

Josh shrugs. "I took a leap of faith and said I was here to see his brother. He let me right up."

Tyler rolls his eyes. "Idiot."

Josh's smile is bright. "I know, right? I could have been an axe murderer or something."

"No, it's not that. I mean, you could have been an axe murderer, yeah. But Zack knows people aren't really supposed to…come near me."

Which isn't entirely the truth - it's not like Tyler being in the same room with another person is enough to kill him. It's just that new germs and bacteria are a danger to his body; they don't know how to fight them like a normal person's body would. Everyone has to make sure they wash their hands before they come near Tyler and Zack always has to shower after a game before he can even think about playing video games with his brother the rest of the night.

"Oh, shit." Josh sits up on the bed, one leg hanging off the edge. "I can go-"

"Nonono." Tyler does _not_ want him to go. "It's fine. It's just- I mean…you're clean, right?"

"…to my knowledge."

"Then we'll be fine. As long as you don't give me mouth to mouth or sneeze in my face or something, it's all good."

"Good." Josh relaxes back on Tyler's bed. "Now are you gonna let me watch people with you or what?"

-

"So, Rebecca's boy toy. Where does he work?"

Tyler hums, flips a page over. "'m not sure, actually. Does it matter?"

"I guess not. But you know everything else about every _one_ else, we should try to figure that out too."

"I'll write it down." Tyler sets his book aside and grabs his phone, taps out a note - rebecca affair: job?

In Tyler's chair, Josh swivels toward Ms. Thompson's. "Do we know what kind of tea Mrs. T drinks?"

Tyler giggles. "Heh, Mrs. _Tea_." Josh winks at him. "English Breakfast, I think. Or maybe it was Earl Grey. I can't remember."

"Write it down," Josh orders, abandons the binoculars on the windowsill and comes to sit on the bed with Tyler.

Tyler types another note on his phone, lets Josh move his legs to the side so he has more room to sit.

This is how it's been for the past week. Josh has come over every day for at least a few hours. Tyler takes his position stretched out on the bed reading or playing video games and Josh sits in Tyler's chair watching everything. Well, not everything. He never comes over earlier than 11 and never stays later than about 8 so there are large chunks of firsthand information he's missing, but Tyler has done a valiant job of filling him in.

To Tyler's parents, Josh is just a friend that Tyler met when he accidentally dropped something out of his window and Josh retrieved it for him. Of course he had to hear a tirade about why the window was open in the first place, but ultimately his mom and dad are just glad he has a friend.

Trust Tyler when he says he is, too. Very glad. Everything between him and Josh is easy - easy conversation, easy getting along, easy touches.

For instance, when Tyler rubs at the center of his forehead with a grimace, Josh immediately leans up and over him, laying the back of his hand on Tyler's forehead. "Y'okay?"

"Mhm. Stuffy. I have a headache."

Josh snaps his fingers, which makes Tyler wince. "Oh, sorry. I'll be right back."

He hops from the bed and into the hallway, leaving Tyler alone with his thoughts.

In the past few days hanging out with Josh, Tyler has learnt more about him than in the past two months he spent watching the guy. Josh's middle name is William, he takes classes at the local community college, and he plays drums in a band (which Tyler is extremely jealous of, if he's being honest). Josh is probably the coolest person he knows, but he's also a fucking nerd. Which is fine by Tyler because guess what? So is he.

"Here." Josh interrupts his thoughts, holding a wash cloth out to him.

But when Tyler reaches for it, Josh ignores him anyway and just sits on the edge of the bed, pressing the cool, damp cloth to Tyler's forehead. Tyler closes his eyes and sighs.

"Better?"

"Much."

Josh's warmth beside him is so comforting he could fall asleep right now. In all his time alone he'd forgotten how nice it was to just have someone _there_. Of course his family spent time with him when they could, but they couldn't be with him 24/7. Zack had his own life - friends and sports and stuff. And his parents had work and social lives of their own.

Of course, Josh had a life as well, but it was just different somehow. Josh chose to be there with Tyler, of his own volition. Sometimes Tyler felt like his family only dealt with him because they had to. Which was probably just the sickness talking, because he knows that's not _true_. But still.

Having a friend who could leave when he wanted, but still decided to hang out with you was nice. Especially a friend you happened to have a huge crush on.

Tyler yawns. "'bye, Josh."

"What?"

Tyler cracks an eye open, sees Josh looking at him like he has three heads. Tyler's confused - Josh always leaves when they're finished spying. And to his knowledge, they're finished for the day.

"I'm not leaving yet - I don't have to be at the venue tonight until 6. We can watch a movie or something until you fall asleep and then I'll leave." He starts to muscle in beside Tyler, who's too weak to even want to try to move over for him. He knows Josh can just move him anyway. Because he's actually the Hulk. And because Tyler doesn't weigh very much for an 18 year old male.

And Josh does, gently, scooting Tyler to the edge of the bed. He folds the other half of the covers over him and Tyler slides down a bit, cocooning himself. Josh lays out beside him and grabs the PS4 controller.

"You good?" He asks, and his voice is much closer than Tyler expected, tickling the tiny hairs around Tyler's ear.

Tyler hums and nods, turns his head to find Josh's shoulder. "Not gon' be awake for much longer, though."

"That's fine." Josh's voice is low. Tyler can hear the soft bop bop bops as Josh cycles through movies on Netflix.

Tyler wants to say something else, to thank Josh for being such a good friend. For not hating him, even though by all accounts he should. Because Tyler was being such a creep spying on him it wouldn't have been any less than he deserved.

Instead, he mumbles incoherently and falls asleep drooling on Josh's shoulder.

-

When Josh goes home at night, now, he never closes his blinds. He has this cool white board with alien faces around the edge that he uses to write messages to Tyler in different colors and stuff. When Tyler writes back, he has to do so on boring notebook paper, ripping the pages out when he's done with them. Most pages he saves, though, in a red folder he keeps wedged between the wall and his desk.

His favorite is one that just says, in big black letters, 'FUCK YOU'.

They could just as easily communicate by phone or text message, and they do when Josh is out at class or with his friends, but when he's home this is cooler and way more fun.

Except one day Josh's blinds are closed when Tyler wakes up and they stay closed until well after 4 PM. This is another bad day for Tyler - he's shaky and achey and sort of depressed. Josh cheers him up when he's around, but Tyler has been trying to reach him all day with nothing but radio silence on Josh's end.

Maybe he's finally done with me, Tyler worries as he's typing his ninth text in a row to Josh.

Some of the others he's sent include:

_Let me know when you're coming over today._  
_Josh?_  
_are you okay?_

And, Tyler's personal favorite:

_dude, you're freaking me out._

He's not positive they've known each other long enough for him to get freaked out when they don't speak for one lousy day. But he does all the same.

Josh's blinds open suddenly and Tyler scrambles for his binoculars. He presses them against his eyes so hard they'll probably leave marks. Josh is writing something on his white board.

He shoves it up against the window: CAN I COME OVER?

Tyler grabs his notepad, writes YES and puts it up to the glass.

Josh looks…Tyler can't place it. He's seen Josh angry, sad, happy, a strange combination of all three. This…this is something else.

Even though he feels like shit, he drags himself out of his chair and down the stairs to wait for Josh at the front door. His parents are home, but they're in the kitchen, and Zack is out playing basketball at the park.

He waits what feels like forever, until the doorbell rings. He opens the door and steps back, the warm air that gushes in making him feel faint. All he would have to do is stick his foot out. One small step and he'd be outside, sun splaying on his skin. But Josh is there, entering and closing the door behind him.

"What are you doing?" His voice sounds odd, choked off and wheezy.

Tyler doesn't sound much better. "Letting you in." Isn't that obvious?

"You're gonna make yourself sick."

"I'm already s-"

"You know what I mean."

Tyler huffs and leads Josh upstairs.

"You're being awfully pushy today," he jokes, doesn't expect the arms that wrap around him from behind, the head pushing between his shoulder blades, that warmth. The warmth that makes him melt, makes him so drowsy he could fall asleep on his feet right now.

Josh sniffles and Tyler realizes he's crying. "She broke up with me."

Tyler gets that same electrocuted sensation he gets whenever he's been caught doing something wrong. "Come again?"

"Debby," Josh sobs. "She broke up with me."

And this? This is news to Tyler because he had no idea Josh was in a relationship. He'd assumed, all those times he saw him on the phone, but Josh had never brought anyone up and truthfully Tyler had been afraid to ask. Afraid that Josh would say yes, he was happily taken. Afraid that the someone he was taken by was a girl. Afraid that the someone was a boy, but had stolen Josh's heart so completely Tyler knew he'd never have a chance.

Not that he thought he'd have a chance otherwise.

Tyler ignores the sinking feeling in his gut as best he can, tries to turn in Josh's embrace, but finds that he's stuck there, halfway between the door and his bed. His hands go to Josh's forearms, pressing against Tyler's stomach, and slide down to his wrists.

"I'm sorry, Josh."

Josh doesn't answer. He slides his head up from Tyler's shoulders, along the back of his neck, and muffles a hiccup into Tyler's hair.

Tyler feels horrible. Because Josh is really going through it right now, and all Tyler can focus on is the tingling feeling Josh's movements have left behind. Except Josh has just all but confirmed he's straight.

And even if he weren't? Tyler can never have a normal relationship - he can't go on dates, can't buy his significant other nice things, and he's hardly ever thought about having sex. So what the hell's the point?

He clears his throat. "We can talk about it."

Josh nods against the back of his head, leaving Tyler where he stands and going to plop down on the bed. His eyes are red, wet with tears. Like the time Tyler saw him crying in his room, but worse. So much worse because now Josh is here with him and Tyler still can't help him.

Climbing onto the bed across from him, Tyler sneezes into the crook of his arm and groans. He's wearing like, four layers and he's still cold without Josh pressed up against him.

Josh leans over to the desk and grabs a handful of cough drops, which he drops in Tyler's lap. "Sorry. I shouldn't even be here, putting all this shit on you. I should let you rest."

Tyler pops two cough drops into his mouth and curls in on himself. "Don't say that. You deserve…" _You deserve everything, Josh, because you're so cool and amazing and you haven't left me alone yet and you don't suck like most other people do._ "…you deserve someone to be here for you. Breakups are hard."

Not that Tyler has any experience with them.

Apparently Josh is no fool - he realizes full well that Tyler had no idea he had a girlfriend. "I never told anyone here about her because by the time I started making friends in Columbus we were already on the rocks. The distance was hard on us, but I thought we could make it. Turns out she didn't."

Tyler nods and listens to the rest of Josh's story, about how amazing Josh and Debby's relationship was in the beginning. They met back in Iowa, in high school their Junior year, in a Biology class. To hear Josh tell it he's not all that great at science so Debby offered to help him with a dissection one day when she saw him struggling. Debby, apparently, is brilliant. Straight As, full ride to U of I, and beautiful as all hell of course.

It was only in the past few months that they started to fall apart. When Josh's dad first announced they'd be moving Debby was devastated. _Rightly so,_ Tyler thinks. _I would be._

But Josh talked her back from the ledge and they decided to stay together. Until now.

Debby still wanted to be friends, at least, but that just seemed to hurt Josh more. In Tyler's opinion. Like twisting the knife.

Not that he'd equate breaking up with someone to stabbing them, but the comparison makes sense in his head.

Especially with the way Josh looks when he finishes talking, nose red and eyes puffy. All broken up inside, like porcelain bones.

Tyler lays a hand on Josh's leg where it's stretched out beside him and rubs his fingers back and forth. All he can offer are his condolences and maybe a solution. "She's never thought about moving to Columbus?"

"She did think about it, but she has to stay in Iowa for school. No point in her coming here just for the summer when she'd have to go back for another eight months anyway."

Tyler is a horrible person because he's secretly glad Debby didn't come to Columbus. If she had, Tyler and Josh might never have met. Tyler might not be rubbing his knuckles over Josh's pants leg right now. Josh might not have leaned over and pillowed his head on Tyler's stomach.

"Is this okay?" Josh asks, hushed.

He knows what Josh is asking - if Tyler feels okay, physically, with Josh's weight on him. But Tyler thinks of it in a whole different manner.

"Yeah."

They stay like that for a long time, Tyler passing his fingers through Josh's hair. He clacks the cough drops around in his mouth until they're dissolved, then pops two more.

Josh laughs. "You're gonna OD on cough drops one day, bud."

"I have heard it's not good to eat too many, but if they haven't killed me by now they probably never will."

"True," Josh chuckles, and Tyler just knows he's thinking about the ginormous mound of red wrappers currently sitting in Tyler's trashcan.

"I thought you hated me."

What in God's name made him say that?

Josh is up in half a second, kneeling on the bed with a worried look. "What do you-"

Tyler puts a hand on his thigh. "Earlier. When you weren't answering any of my texts. I thought you didn't wanna hang out anymore. That you hated me."

"God, no. I was just…I didn't wanna see anyone for a while, y'know? Because of all this shit." Josh is leaning forward, cupping a hand around the back of Tyler's neck and resting their foreheads together. They're breathing each other's air, which is dangerous. For both of them. Tyler could make Josh sick and Josh…well, Josh could kill Tyler if there was so much as one germ in his mouth that's foreign to Tyler's body.

But Tyler can't pull away, not when Josh's dark eyes are centered on him and his hand is still on Josh's thigh and is Josh leaning in? He's definitely leaning in, head tilting as Tyler's fingers drag weakly along Josh's leg-

"Hey, Ty!"

They break apart instantaneously, the way Zack snaps his chopsticks apart before he eats sushi.

Speak of the devil. It's Zack in the doorway because they left the door open and Tyler had been so wrapped up in Josh that he hadn't heard his brother tromping up the stairs.

Beside him, Josh is running a hand awkwardly through his hair, not looking at Zack.

"Ty?" Zack saw nothing, apparently.

"What?" But Tyler can't seem to open his mouth all the way.

"I just wanted to know if I could borrow Dad's binoculars. Mark and I need them for-"

"Just take them."

Zack rushes in and nabs the binoculars from Tyler's desk, then rushes back out, tossing a "thanks!" over his shoulder.

For a second they just sit there. Tyler is covered in a faint sheen of sweat, not just from the sickness.

Josh starts laughing first, joined by Tyler because he doesn't know exactly what else to do. He'd probably be upset if he didn't feel like he was actually about to die.

The bed dips as Josh rolls off of it and stretches. "Thanks, Tyler. I didn't really know who else to talk to about this. I'm glad you were here."

Tyler nods, at a loss for words.

"I'll be back tomorrow, maybe around 5?"

He nods again. Josh stares at him for the better part of 10 seconds and Tyler is waiting. For something. For anything. For Josh to almost-kiss him again.

But Josh leaves with a rap to the doorframe and Tyler wonders what the hell just happened.

-

For a few days after that, things are awkward between them. Forced.

They still spy together, but Josh doesn't ask nearly as many questions. They watch horror movies on Tyler's bed, but Josh doesn't lean his head on Tyler's shoulder or pillow it on his stomach. And Josh still offers to get things for Tyler when he's sick, but he lets Tyler do with them what he will. Doesn't press a towel to Tyler's forehead or open his cough drops for him.

Today, though, Josh brings him an ice cream cone from the ice cream truck and when some drips down Tyler's chin Josh is there, reaching forward to swipe it away with a laugh.

This does make Tyler blush, but if Josh notices he doesn't say anything, just takes another few licks at his chocolate ice cream.

Then Josh has a gig so he has to leave and Tyler fires up his laptop. He opens AIM for the first time in God knows how long.

26 messages from Jenna, the last one sent right as Tyler signs on.

_dude, where have you been???? i've legit been searching the ohio obits for your name._

_sorry!_  
_I actually met the kid across the street and we've been hanging out._  
_He's so cool and i haven't had the time to get online or anything._

Tyler only realizes how that might have sounded when Jenna replies:

_o._  
_cool have fun._

She logs off.

He knows it's weird, to have been friends with Jenna for so long, but never asked for her cell number or any other social media accounts. But he hasn't. So whenever she's offline he doesn't know how else to reach her.

He's not entirely sure she is offline - she's probably just hiding on invisible. But he hovers his cursor over her name for just a few seconds before logging out.

Now he truly feels like shit.

-

_Look out ur window_

Tyler glances at his phone, then wheels to the window.

Josh has his white board raised. Through the binoculars, Tyler reads U LOOK CUTE IN THOSE BATMAN BRIEFS BOI

The board is obstructing Josh's face so Tyler can't see his expression. He's joking, though. Obviously.

Tyler retrieves his notepad, scribbles STOP SPYING ON ME, PERV. and then holds it up.

This time he sees quite clearly that Josh is laughing. His hair is pink now from when Tyler helped him dye it.

Tyler rips the page out and tucks it beside his desk to save for later.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN OVER THERE?

…A WHILE.

Meaning Josh most likely got a bird's eye view of Tyler changing this morning. His face heats as he ducks his head to write again.

COME OVER?

Josh is at the door in record time. Today is a good day so Tyler meets him down there, leads him upstairs. No one else is home so Tyler opens iTunes and plays his music a little louder, a band Josh introduced him to that Tyler now loves.

Josh locks the door behind him, which he almost never does unless Tyler specifically asks him to.

But Tyler doesn't think much of it - maybe Josh is finally becoming acclimated to his weird habits.

"So, Batman, huh?" Josh sinks onto Tyler's bed while Tyler takes the chair.

Tyler hums, stretching his leg out to rest his foot on the edge of the bed. "When Gotham calls, right?"

That's all Tyler's wearing today - a white T-shirt and his briefs. It feels normal.

Josh makes a face. "I guess. Marvel's better, though."

"Dude, I agree." Tyler claps a hand to his chest, offended that Josh actually assumed him a DC fan. "But Batman is awesome, no matter which side you prefer."

"Can't argue with that."

"Thank you." Tyler bows as best he can sitting down.

"Anything going on out there today?" Josh motions to the window.

Tyler shakes his head. "Not really. Ms. Thompson's son came to take her out, but that's about it."

Josh groans, planting his face in Tyler's sheets. He mumbles something, patting the section of bed next to him.

Tyler giggles. "Huh?"

"I said," he turns his head, hitting the bed again. "Come here."

Tyler does so, sitting cross-legged beside Josh flopped sideways across his bed. Josh slides around so he's laying longways, pushing his head against Tyler's elbow/the side of his stomach. Tyler giggles again. "What're you…?"

But Josh just continues to push until his head is in Tyler's lap. He whines, tossing his head. He's smiling that broad grin of his.

Tyler presses slim fingers against Josh's scalp, kneading softly before beginning to pass his hand through Josh's hair. And Josh melts, lips parting as his ears strain back in bliss. Josh is the only person Tyler knows who can wiggle his ears like that. Weirdo.

Josh closes his eyes and Tyler plays with his pink hair for a long time. iTunes stops playing as Tyler's laptop goes idle. Josh hasn't moved for a while.

"Josh?"

"Mm?"

"Are you awake?"

Tyler expects him to hum sleepily, for hazel eyes to open slowly and blink blearily up at him.

But Josh is fully awake when his eyes open, smile gone as he reaches up to skim a finger down Tyler's cheek.

This is one of those weird things they do, touching each other like this. Like a couple would. Or maybe it's not weird at all. _It's gotta be,_ Tyler thinks. Zack and Mark don't do this kind of shit, do they? Actually, knowing them…

Josh brings his other hand up to join the first, bracketing Tyler's face and sweeping his thumbs over Tyler's cheekbones. He really hopes Josh can't feel his face heating up. Josh's hands are smooth, sure, as one slides around to mesh its fingers with Tyler's hair.

Tyler is still playing with Josh's hair.

Josh's hands are insistent on Tyler's face, at the back of his head, pulling him down so fast Tyler doesn't have time to think. Josh himself is so strong Tyler couldn't resist even if he wanted to. Does he want to?

Their lips meet jarringly, pressed hard together with the force of Josh's hands on Tyler's head. Tyler is bent almost in half thinking this is everything he's wanted for the past few months and yet nothing he's ever wanted because-

Tyler makes a strangled noise, pulls back as hard as he can and kicks his leg up for good measure.

Josh curses, holding the back of his neck where Tyler's knee collided as he shoots up and off the bed.

For his part, Tyler is scurrying back atop the sheets, pressing himself into his pillows. He's holding the backs of his knuckles to his lips, whimpering.

"Tyler?"

It takes all the strength he has in his weak fucking body to answer. And when he does his voice is nowhere near as strong as he wants it to be. "What are you doing?"

"Tyler, I-" Josh is reaching out for him.

"What are you _doing_?" Tyler almost shouts, stopping Josh cold.

Josh is shaking his head, hair a blur of pink cotton candy fluff. Tyler loves him and he shouldn't. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking-"

But Tyler isn't thinking, either. Not about what that kiss could now mean for his body, what it could mean tomorrow when Tyler's six feet under because some stupid boy decided to share his stupid germs with him _without thinking_. No, Tyler is thinking about Debby. "I don't wanna be your…your rebound!"

Josh looks completely lost now, head still shaking, but slower. The light from outside casts half of his face in shadow.

Tyler doesn't want to hear what he has to say. "Can you leave?" His voice is back to being weak, to match his body.

"No." That worries Tyler, for a second. But Josh continues, "I mean, I'm not leaving you here knowing you might get sick because of me. Not while there's no one else here to take care of you."

Tyler shivers, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes. "I can't- you aren't- …please just go, Josh. Just go."

He mutters the words 'just go' over and over under his breath, rocking back and forth, eyes still covered. He hears Josh shuffle around to the other side of the bed, hears him gathering his shoes, hears his footsteps down the stairs and the front door opening and closing.

Still rocking, Tyler hears the familiar sound of the green Volvo starting and then peeling away.

He cries himself to sleep with the taste of Josh still on his lips.

-

He doesn't get sick. Not the next day or the day after or the day after that. At least not any sicker than he normally is.

And he doesn't see Josh. Not the next day or the day after or the day after that.

In fact, Tyler closes his curtains for the first time in 8 months, shoves his phone under his pillows and spends all his time either playing video games or sleeping. His eyes are starting to burn again because of it.

His family thinks it's weird he's not texting them back when they go out anymore, but he tells them he's just been especially tired lately. So of course his mom takes him into the bathroom, takes his temperature and checks for any cuts or sores. Then she offers him a buttload of pills that Tyler knows he shouldn't take because he's not really sick.

He takes them anyway and spends a day and a half in a pleasant daze, writing a poem he actually doesn't hate and staring at the stars when they come out at night.

When he comes down, he goes back to moping. The worst part about it is that Jenna's not there to cheer him up. She hasn't been on AIM since Tyler told her he'd been hanging out with Josh.

He sends her an offline IM, tears stinging at his eyes.

_I'm sorry._  
_i wish you were here right now._  
_i rlly need you._

He doesn't expect a response from her any time soon, cursor hovering near the log off button just as she comes online.

_whats going on??_

Tyler's heart seizes.

_omg i'm so sorry_  
_like really really sorry_

_ya you said that already._  
_apology noted and accepted._  
_what's happening are you okay?_

Tyler takes a deep breath and begins the long journey of telling Jenna everything, from meeting Josh to becoming friends with him to the little touches they share, to Josh's breakup with Debby, to Josh kissing him. He waits rather impatiently for her response to the novel he's just sent her.

_okay dude i say this as your friend._  
_you're totally not a rebound._  
_it sounds like he actually likes you._

_…what?_  
_There's no way._

_yes there is._  
_i know what you look like and you're cute._  
_you're easy to get along with and you're pretty funny._  
_why wouldn't he like you?_

_i was talking abt the debby thing._  
_And because he's straight._

_oh lol._  
_forget everything i just said you're awful and i hate you._  
_ANYWAY_  
_idk it sounds like him and debby have been /over/ for a while y'know?_  
_even tho they were still together when you guys met she had probably voiced concerns to him way before that._  
_also have you never heard of being BI or PAN or any of that???_

_of course._  
_I just_

_you just nothing._  
_kiss his ass back._  
_except_  
_not literally._  
_because that would actually probably make you sick lol._

_I actually didn't even get sick when he kissed me…_

_shit really???_  
_definitely kiss him then._  
_make out with his stupid handsome face._  
_what's he even look like?_  
_also i was talking about eating his ass, in case you didn't catch that._

Tyler's face puckers because ew. Gross. Then he sucks it up and says if she gives him her number he can text her a picture. Probably the one Tyler took just after they dyed Josh's hair pink.

And that's how he finally gets Jenna's number, as well as a message a few seconds later that just says _dood. sexy. if you don't want him i'll take him. come to mama._

-

Tyler opens his curtains again 12 days after Josh kissed him.

When he sent Jenna the picture, he finally read through the texts Josh had sent him. Saying how sorry he was, how he hoped Tyler wasn't sick, how they needed to talk.

Tyler has yet to reply, but when he opens the curtains the first thing he sees is the white board in Josh's window. It's taped there, alien faces and bright green letters staring at Tyler: I'M SORRY.

The Volvo is in the drive, but he doesn't see Josh. He grabs his phone and sends Josh a message:

_Are you home right now?_

Less than a minute passes and he sees Josh bolting up the stairs from his basement, looking like he's taking the steps two at a time. Tyler has his phone clutched in his hand, palms suddenly sweaty.

Josh gets to his room, but makes no move to take the white board down. Instead he just points at it, starts typing another message to Tyler on his phone with his other hand.

Tyler's phone dings.

_U C this?_

_Yes_ , is Tyler's reply.

_Im coming over_

But Josh doesn't move, staring out his window and across the street at Tyler. Waiting to make sure it's okay.

_Okay. No one's home. I'll let you in._

Josh disappears from view and Tyler heads downstairs, texting Jenna.

_I'm about to try this. i'll text you if I die or otherwise pass out from embarrassment._

He stuffs his phone in his pocket and doesn't fish it back out even though he hears Jenna's text tone only seconds later, doesn't want to be playing on his phone when he opens the door. Wants to give Josh his undivided attention.

The doorbell rings. Tyler feels much the same as he did the very first time Josh rang the bell - nervous, apprehensive, very nauseous.

He opens the door.

Josh steps in and closes the door behind him.

"Hi," he says, hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans.

"Hi." Tyler really likes the shirt Josh is wearing, white and blue with white stars at the top. "I like your shirt."

"Thanks, man." Josh grabs the bottom hem of the shirt, smooths a hand over the front.

"Um, we can talk. Upstairs."

Normally he'd grab Josh's elbow and haul him toward the steps, but Josh is standing too far away from him to do that now. And when they reach the landing, they don't brush against each other trying to enter Tyler's room like they normally do. In fact, Josh raises his arm and sort of shimmies inside to completely avoid making any sort of contact with Tyler.

Josh is afraid to touch him, Tyler realizes with a shock.

But he forges ahead, shutting the door behind him and locking it.

Josh has chosen to stand by the closet, the furthest point in the room away from Tyler.

Tyler scuffs a sock against the carpet. "First off, I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

Josh opens his mouth to say something, most likely that Tyler has nothing to be sorry for, but Tyler holds a hand up to stop him.

"I do. Have something to be sorry for." And this is where he must throw himself into the abyss and hope Josh catches him at the bottom. "I've wanted you to kiss me for a long time. And then you finally did, and I pushed you away. That was wrong, to…to lead you on like that, basically. But I thought you were straight, y'know? You talked about Debby and never said anything about another guy so I just figured. And _Debby_ …I…I dunno, I thought you were just so upset about her that that was the only reason you kissed me. Because you missed her, or missed being _with_ someone. And I didn't want that, didn't want you to kiss me just because I was convenient. And that wasn't giving you very much credit, and so I'm sorry. You deserve better than that, Josh, because…because you're better than anyone else I've ever met."

Meeting Josh's gaze is the hardest thing he's ever had to do up until this point in his life. Including the Algebra exam he almost flunked four years ago, the one his Mom helped him study for for hours that he still did horribly on. At least he passed, though. Now he feels like he's failed, like Josh is going to leave and never talk to him again.

But Josh is smiling, softly, like he's afraid a full on grin will scare Tyler away. His eyes crinkle at the edges.

"I can explain everything," Josh says, and Tyler almost collapses with relief.

They're both still standing, so Tyler wanders to the bed and plops down. "You wanna sit?"

Josh nods, coming to sit beside him, but still not touching him. He runs a hand through his bubblegum hair and exhales. "Okay. I'll start by saying sorry, too. You didn't get sick, did you?" He makes this odd, aborted movement with his hand, like he wants to reach out to Tyler, but then thinks better of it.

Tyler tucks his legs beneath him and shakes his head. "Fit as a fiddle. Considering."

Josh breathes a sigh of relief. "Okay, good. I was worried." He pauses, but Tyler just lets him gather his thoughts. "A few days before I met you, officially, Debby called and said she didn't know if she wanted to continue things between us. She mentioned breaking up or even just taking a break, and by the time we hung up nothing had been resolved. I didn't have an answer as to what she wanted to do. Then I met you and… _God_ , Tyler, you were so cute. You didn't even realize how cute you were. You still don't."

Tyler blushes, finds something particularly interesting on the bedspread to look at.

Josh continues. "But I was still with Debby, technically, so I didn't do anything about it. Couldn't do anything about it. I didn't wanna be that guy. The cheater. So I figured we'd just be friends. Only, as time went on and I wasn't getting anything from Debby, that became a lot harder. Then Debby called and broke up with me officially. And…I was upset, yes. In the back of my mind, I knew that's where we were going, where we'd been headed for weeks. But it still sucks to get that call, to know it's really over. When I realized I needed to talk about it or I was gonna spontaneously combust, I thought of you. You never judged me - that hard - or pushed me away. And I liked you. So any extra time I got to spend with you was a plus."

He's quiet for a very long time after that, so long that Tyler thinks he's finished. But then Josh inhales sharply. "When I kissed you, Tyler - that was real, okay? I wanted that. And not because you were convenient or because I missed Debby. Because I liked you - maybe even loved you - and we had spent so much time together and shared so much that kissing you just seemed like the next logical step, something we should have done a long time ago. And I will do anything to make all this mess up to you."

Tyler glances up at Josh, head swimming. "Anything?"

Josh turns toward him, earnest. "Anything."

"Kiss me again."

Tyler wishes it was like the other day, wishes Josh would just lean in and grab him and _do it_. But Josh actually leans away. He's gripping the covers like he wants _so bad_ , though.

"I don't want to make you sick."

"I didn't get sick last time." Tyler scoots forward.

"Yeah, but there's a difference between-" Josh lets go of the covers, presses the thumbs and fingers of each of his hands together and then pushes his hands together in an approximation of the chaste kiss they'd shared 12 days ago, "-and-" He then clamps his hands together, to mimic making out.

It's funny. Tyler would laugh if he weren't so determined. "I don't care. I want you to kiss me and if that kills me then it kills me. Say nice things at my funeral."

He doesn't actually think this argument will work, but Josh is leaning forward, pulling Tyler further across the bed toward him. Both of Josh's legs bracket his thighs where Tyler's legs are still tucked beneath him.

Josh has his hands bracketing Tyler's face, stroking thumbs across his cheekbones again. "You're sure?"

Tyler can't speak, so he nods. Josh's lips are dry when they meet his, but Tyler comes alive, grappling onto Josh's shoulders and pressing as much of himself against Josh as he can.

Josh's mouth opens under his, and Tyler follows his lead. Their tongues lap out at the same time and Tyler can't keep himself under control when they meet, making a strangled noise in the back of his throat. Josh makes a noise of approval himself, letting Tyler stick his tongue all the way into his mouth in his overexcitement.

Josh just slows the kiss down again, though, sucking on Tyler's tongue and making him whine. This making out thing is great, Tyler decides. Why doesn't everyone do this all the time?

Josh's hands go from Tyler's face to his hips as he starts to press up onto his knees. Tyler wraps his arms completely around Josh's shoulders on instinct, letting Josh lay him back on the bed.

If Tyler thought Josh looked like a walking protein shake before, the situation becomes dire with Josh stretched out on top of him. Tyler can't get enough, running his hands down Josh's arms and then back up, wrapping his legs around Josh's waist and trying to pull him down by the back of his neck because he wants moremore _more_.

Josh gives it to him - presses himself down against Tyler and kisses him hard, rubbing his tongue against Tyler's and giving tiny nips to Tyler's chin when he pulls away. Which Tyler thought he would mind, but he doesn't. Not when Josh starts kissing his jaw, his neck, nuzzles into the junction of Tyler's shoulder.

Tyler glances down when Josh stills, head resting on his chest.

"Hi," Josh says, all dreamy like.

"Hey." Tyler sounds breathless, because he is. His face feels flushed and feverish. Josh ghosts a hand under the hem of his shirt and curls it around Tyler's waist. He shudders.

There's another kiss to Tyler's shoulder and he's about to haul Josh back up by his hair when Josh leans up on both arms, bracketing Tyler's torso. Tyler still has his hands everywhere he can get them - running down the front of Josh's shirt, then back up to sift through his hair, down the back of his neck and tracing his spine.

"I wanna make love to you." Josh looks like he's trying the words out, like they sound awkward to him.

They don't sound awkward to Tyler. To Tyler those words are lovely. And they make his brain go foggy for a second.

"If you don't want to," Josh says quickly, "we don't have to. I just…I _want_ you."

Here is where Josh thrusts down against him for the first time, pressing his hard cock into Tyler's thigh. "And I wanna make you feel good, Tyler."

"I want to," Tyler finally finds the capacity to say.

"Really?"

"If you stop beforehand to ask me if I'm okay every time you do something, this is gonna take a long time."

"I just need to be sure, Ty." Josh sits back and Tyler loses his heat, now centered over his legs. The tent in Josh's pants almost makes him go cross-eyed. "There isn't any reason we shouldn't?"

Tyler thinks about it - if he were to get sick he's almost positive it would be from the kissing. Sex is just something he's nervous about, not something that's going to kill him. "If you have a condom I think I'll be fine." He swallows. " _Do_ you have a condom?"

Sheepishly, Josh digs into his pocket and extracts a shiny foil packet.

"Feeling lucky?" Tyler quirks an eyebrow.

"Something like that."

Then Josh is on him again, rucking his shirt up and kissing his chest, down his abdomen, until he reaches the waistband of his pants. He looks up at Tyler, wide-eyed.

Struggling to fully pull his shirt off, Tyler glares. "Don't you dare ask me if it's okay."

Josh grins, hooks his fingers into the waist of Tyler's sweats and tugs them off, along with his boxers.

Tyler is self-conscious, completely naked in front of Josh while Josh is fully clothed. Josh, however, looks, in short, in awe. His eyes rove over Tyler's skin, drinking him in. His mouth is hanging open.

"Josh." Tyler knocks his knee against Josh's hip. "Touch me?"

"Sorry." He puts his hands on Tyler's thighs, skimming up over the sharp jut of his hipbones and curling around his ribs. "You're just so fucking beautiful."

That makes Tyler whine and drag Josh down for another kiss.

He has one moment of utter horror when he imagines Josh doing this with Debby. Doing this with anyone other than Tyler. He surges up, jealousy oozing from every pore on his body, and grinds his slowly hardening dick against the bulge in Josh's jeans.

Josh moans loudly and bucks down, eyes squeezed shut.

"You planning on getting naked any time soon?" Tyler asks.

Josh has all of his clothes off and on the floor before Tyler can even make a crack about being eager.

He has another up close debacle - seeing Josh's dick in person he's not sure it's going to fit in him. In fact, he's almost positive.

Josh doesn't even touch himself, just climbs back on top of Tyler and lowers himself so they can grind against each other. It feels amazing, to have Josh's cock right next to his, rubbing off on each other and kissing languidly. Better, even, than the few times he's masturbated himself. Which, he supposes, is the point of sex, why most people would choose it over masturbation.

They stay like that for a long while, just grinding slowly and sucking marks into each others' skin. All below the collar, of course, mostly for Tyler's sake. If he showed up at the dinner table with a hickey on his neck there's only one person who could have given it to him and his parents would know it wasn't Zack.

Tyler is mostly free to do what he wants to Josh, mark him up and nibble on the spot just below his ear. And he does, enjoying the tiny noises Josh makes as he loses his mind.

After a while, though, Josh gives him a long kiss to the lips and then starts descending again, settling between Tyler's legs and pushing his thighs back toward his chest. This is it, Tyler thinks. Now the pain starts.

But Josh isn't doing much of anything yet. In fact, he's kind of just…staring at Tyler's ass.

"Josh?" Tyler taps Josh's shoulder, other hand cradled up near his chest.

"Wanna eat you out."

And Tyler nearly _laughs_ , the asshole. Because he remembers Jenna talking about eating ass and how gross he thought it was, but the first swipe of Josh's tongue against him is anything but gross.

Tyler gasps and bucks up so violently he almost knocks Josh out. Josh, however, just lays an arm across Tyler's hips so he can't move and does it again. And again and again, tongue diving in and out and making Tyler's toes curl. He does this sucking thing with his lips and Tyler wraps his hand around his dick because he _needs_ it.

But Josh knocks his hand away and does it for him, jacking him with lazy strokes that drive Tyler crazy, precum leaking onto his stomach.

"Joooossshhhh," Tyler groans, threading his hands in Josh's hair. The look Josh gives him, paused with his tongue pressed flat against Tyler's entrance, is almost enough to make him cum. Tyler is shaking, legs quivering because it feels so good and also because without any clothes on he's freezing his ass off. "If you don't - like, hurry it up…mmm…I'm gonna cum."

With one last lick to Tyler's ass, Josh leans up, licking his lips. He watches Tyler for just a second and Tyler can only guess as to what he looks like - red-faced and shivering, tears at the corners of his eyes. Josh apparently likes what he sees, if the noise he makes is anything to go by. He tears the condom open with his teeth, rolls it on slowly and then spits in his hand, coating himself.

He hunkers down on top of Tyler, one arm braced beside Tyler's head, the other holding himself at Tyler's entrance.

When Tyler can feel the blunt head of Josh's cock against him, he jumps. "I guess now would be a bad time to tell you I'm a virgin?"

Josh smiles, kisses Tyler's forehead. "I know."

And then he's pressing in, slowly.

The burn is so real that Tyler grits his teeth and digs his nails into Josh's side. Josh's hand leaves the crux of his thighs and returns to his cock, jerking him slowly and trying to make him feel good. They're sharing deep kisses and Tyler is shifting his hips, trying to get Josh to hit that spot inside him he knows will make him see stars.

Even without proper lube, it doesn't take him long to get back to where he was when Josh was eating him out, whimpering and shaking and losing himself at Josh's every word and touch.

"So perfect," Josh murmurs against his chest, pressing soft kisses there.

In his pants, discarded on the floor, he can hear Jenna's text tone going off.

Josh's next kiss to his lips bruises and he twists his hand around the head of Tyler's cock.

Tyler thrashes. "C-Can I cum?"

"Yes, baby boy. Cum for me. Let me see you."

It's the name that does it, sends him over the edge in the best way possible. He's shaking out of his skin, shouting Josh's name as he makes a mess all over their chests and stomachs.

Josh groans, slows his thrusts until he's completely still, Tyler's ass spasming around him.

"Y-you didn't…" Tyler's heart is thumping, blood rushing in his ears. He passes a hand down Josh's side. "…you didn't cum."

"I will. Just wanna feel this."

Tyler can feel Josh spasming into him every few seconds, a knee-jerk reaction to Tyler's contractions around him. He starts fucking him again when Tyler has come down completely.

And it's all too much for Tyler, overly sensitive to the point of babbling incoherently by the time Josh cums, flooding the condom and flexing his hands on Tyler's hips.

When Josh pulls out and ties the condom off, throwing it in Tyler's trashcan, Tyler feels more alive than he has the past seven years. He feels like he's glowing, even though he probably looks a mess. His head is clear and his stomach doesn't hurt and Josh is pressing up close behind him, an arm wound tightly around Tyler's waist. He's kissing lazy, open-mouthed kisses on the backs of Tyler's shoulders, the side of his neck.

"So," Josh mumbles, sounding ready to fall asleep. "Verdict?"

"What do you think?" Tyler yawns himself, snuggling back against Josh's heat.

"I think you wanna do that again. Real soon."

He's certainly not wrong, but Tyler can't tell him that. Because all of a sudden there's a tight, painful knot in his stomach. He tries to breathe through it, but finds that it only gets worse when he expands his diaphragm all the way.

He's felt this before.

"Ty?" Josh's voice is near his ear, but his arms around Tyler's middle feel suffocating all of a sudden.

"I have to…" Tyler trails off, grimacing and pulling Josh's arms from around him. He tries to stand to get to the bathroom or at least around the other side of the bed to the trashcan, but the pain is so great he falls to his knees on the carpet.

"Tyler?" Josh is fully awake now, sitting up and hurrying to get to him.

"Josh-" But there's something bubbling up in his chest, flooding his throat and choking him.

And then he starts vomiting uncontrollably.

-

He doesn't see Josh for a very long time after that.

Mostly because he's in the hospital for a week. And then because his parents forbid it. They don't know anything about Tyler and Josh having sex, but it's still obvious that it's Josh's foreign germs that made Tyler sick.

The third and final reason he hasn't seen Josh since then - the coup de grace, really - is because Josh doesn't want to see him.

 _basically we had sex and i almost died_ , Tyler's typing at Jenna.

_fuck._  
_talk about some KILLER dick._  
_jkjk._  
_i'm sorry boo. :(_  
_how's josh feel about it?_

Tyler glances out of the window, just for old time's sake. Josh's blinds have been closed since Tyler came home from the hospital. They're closed now, too.

_idk, tbh._  
_Haven't talked to him since._

_wait you're ignoring him?_  
_or the other way around?_

Tyler doesn't know. He's 99% sure Josh came to visit him in the hospital. But it was brief and Tyler can't be positive because he was so out of it on IV fluids and painkillers. He remembers pink hair and a press of fingers on his arm. And that's all. It had to be Josh, unless Tyler imagined it. Tyler's parents probably threw him out of the room.

And when he got home and was finally able to check his phone, he had exactly one text from Josh: _we shouldn't have done that._

Which? Josh was the one who suggested they have sex in the first place. Sure, Tyler told him it was okay, but it wasn't his idea. He can't be blamed for this.

Only he's not sure if Josh _is_ blaming him, because Josh won't talk to him. He's pretty sure he just scared Josh away, with the whole puking and convulsing thing.

A day hasn't gone by that he hasn't remembered it. Josh's hands on him, Josh's voice, fraying at the edges with worry. The vomit that just kept coming, the bile that burned his throat and dripped down his chin. Josh leading him to the bathroom, trying to get them both cleaned up and back in their clothes while he grabbed his phone to dial 911.

That fucking phone conversation, the one Tyler wishes he could forget.

"I need an ambulance. My friend, he-he won't stop throwing up. He can't…fuck, Tyler." Tyler had slipped from the edge of the counter, bruising his knees on the tile as another bout of nausea hit him. Josh caught him just before his head hit the floor, smearing vomit down his arm. "No one else is home, no. Please, just hurry, please. There's- there's blood, _Jesus_."

Tyler's mom did a great job cleaning the mess up, but sometimes when Tyler sniffs really hard he can still smell puke. Wonders if that's just his brain recalling the most traumatic memories it possibly can. Because that day that had been the best of his life had so quickly devolved into the worst.

Not because he almost died again. No, he had been telling Josh the truth - Tyler wanted that kiss from him no matter what. No amount of painful puking or internal bleeding would change that.

No, it was the worst because Josh had had to watch him go through that. And now he was still alive and Josh didn't want to be with him anymore. Because Tyler's body had scared him away.

_he's ignoring me, i guess?_  
_I haven't heard from him since the hospital._  
_he sent me a text saying we shouldn't have done that._  
_which i assume means the sex._

_p r i c k._  
_maybe he'll come around tho._  
_he's probably just afraid to make you sick again_

At this point Tyler doesn't care. He's tired of getting his hopes up only to have his body shoot them down.

_maybe._  
_I'm gonna log off now, i'll text you._

He lays in bed and tries to pick a new series to watch on Netflix. All of the new Marvel shows just remind him of Josh so he settles on trying Gotham.

But that reminds him of Josh, too. Of the conversation they had about DC and Marvel and Batman and Josh's sharp teeth and crinkly eyes.

Tyler cries uncontrollably until he falls asleep.

"Ty?"

Tyler grunts, turning his head sleepily. It's dark out now, and he sees his mom's silhouette in the doorway. On the TV, Gotham is already on episode 7.

"You were shivering. Are you warm enough?"

"Kind of."

"Where's your sheet?" His mom shuffles into his room.

"'M laying on it."

"What about your blankets?"

"Under my legs."

"Well, honey, no wonder you're not warm."

His mom tugs at the fuzziest blanket at the end of the bed, dredging it out from under Tyler's legs and draping it over him. But it doesn't matter - Tyler will never be warm again without Josh and his endless heat.

Smoothing the covers down, his mom comes to stand by the head of the bed, turning the TV off. She lingers for longer than necessary and Tyler knows she wants to say something. Probably she wants to apologize for saying Josh couldn't come over anymore.

Good. Tyler wants her to say she's sorry for chasing Josh away.

But mostly he wants to apologize for doing that himself.

Luckily she leaves before Tyler starts crying again.

-

He still has to stand on tip toe to reach his pills, one hand extended over his head, the other braced on the lip of the stove. Grabbing the first bottle he can find, he shakes a handful out. Little yellow baubles. He counts them as they fall. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 10 should be enough. He replaces the now half-empty bottle, grabs a glass of water, and goes upstairs.

Sitting on your bed contemplating suicide is a lot more harrowing than he would have expected. Especially because he was so ready to do it just a few moments ago.

Sunlight streams in through the window, the glare making the little yellow pills look like nothing more than lemon drops. Take a few and make a sour face, Tyler. Then it'll all be over.

Josh's blinds are still closed.

Tyler takes a large gulp of water and just as he's about to press the first few pills past his lips, his phone rings.

He should ignore it. There's a drop of water dripping down his chin and a handful of pills clutched in his palm. He should ignore it and just do this.

But what if it's Zack? What if he's in trouble and needs something? Tyler doesn't know what he could possibly need from his invalid brother, but he convinces himself it's something bad.

So he curls his fingers around the pills and leans over to grab his phone, just to check. If it's not anyone important, he'll mute the damn thing and finish what he started.

Josh's name flashes on the display.

Tyler chokes on his water and drops half the pills on his bed.

He's still choking when he answers, trying to say hello, but only the H forms in the back of his throat and then he's coughing down the line, trying to gather the pills he dropped.

"Tyler, what the fuck are you doing?"

 _I'm choking on water, what the hell does it look like,_ he wants to say. He continues to splutter while Josh waits patiently on the other end.

Then he draws in a raspy breath. "What the fu-uck am _I_ doing? What are _y-you_ doing? Ignoring me for two weeks and then calling me while I'm in the middle of…something important."

"If those pills come anywhere near your mouth I'm calling the cops and then I'm breaking into your house."

"Yeah," Tyler wheezes. "Because we all know how well your last 911 call on my behalf went."

Josh goes very quiet. Tyler can't even hear his breath on the line.

And then, Tyler jumps to his feet. A few pills scatter to the floor. "Wait, you can see me? Where are you?"

"My car."

Tyler hadn't even noticed the green Volvo outside. It hadn't been there when he went downstairs and he must have been too preoccupied with retrieving the pills to hear when it pulled up.

Tyler grabs his binoculars and looks down. Josh is watching him in the rearview. His hair is back to being blue and that makes Tyler sad.

But he waves all the same, just because he can. Josh waves back, phone pressed to his ear.

All of a sudden there's a lump in Tyler's throat that has nothing to do with the water he inhaled. "You should come in," he breathes.

"I can't."

Tyler presses his fist against his eye, feels his palm getting sweaty and the pills squishing around. "Why not?"

"Because your parents-"

"They're not home. They took Zack to his friend's baseball game."

"That doesn't matter. They don't want me in their home and I'm not gonna betray their trust like that."

Tyler hiccups. "Do you want to see me?"

"I see you right now."

"You know what I mean, smart ass."

Josh's eyes flash gold in the rearview. "Of course I want to see you, Tyler."

He could respond flippantly, give Josh a load of shit about how he _could_ have seen Tyler a lot since he came home from the hospital, _could_ have kept his window open or FaceTimed him or something. But he feels like there will be time for that in the future.

"Come to the backyard, then. You won't technically be inside the house and we can talk through the back door." Josh seems hesitant. Tyler rests his fist on the cool glass of the window. "Please? You can boost yourself over the fence on the air conditioner."

When Tyler was younger, he loved climbing things. He climbed trees in the woods, climbed on his desk at school, he and Zack even climbed halfway up this old clock tower they found on vacation in Maine until Zack started to cry because he was scared.

Which is why it's so funny to watch Josh try to hop over the fence and fail miserably. His pant leg gets caught on the top of the fence and he face plants in the yard, shaking grass and twigs out of his blue hair. He's dusting himself off when he ascends the porch and finds Tyler standing at the back door.

"Dude, you need to work on your climbing skills," Tyler tells him. And then, "Why'd you change your hair?"

Tyler has the glass pane door slid open, leaving him and Josh free to converse through the screen door. The mesh makes Josh's face look weird, darker than normal. Tyler remembers the bruises on Josh's face from back before they met. He frowns.

Josh tugs at his hair, makes it stand straight up. "Needed a change of pace."

That depresses Tyler further because he's pretty sure Josh is talking about needing a change of pace from him. He rubs his foot against the tiles of the kitchen floor.

"It was scary, Tyler."

Tyler winces. "I know. I'm so sorry I scared you away."

"You didn't…scare me _away_. It was just _scary_. How do I explain this…?" Josh takes a deep breath. "Okay, imagine you have a dog."

Tyler used to have a dog. Her name was Sally. They had to get rid of her when Tyler got sick.

Josh continues. "You love your dog more than anything and you would do anything for him, give him anything he wants. But what he really wants is chocolate. You know that chocolate is poisonous to dogs, but you think maybe if you give him a small enough piece he'll be okay. And he is, for a few minutes. And you're happy because he's happy and _you_ were able to do that for him. Then your dog gets sick and you're scared." Josh pauses, swallows down what Tyler assumes is a lump in his throat. "Your dog getting sick doesn't scare you _away_ \- if anything you want to be with him more than ever, because you have to make sure he's okay. You're scared because you can't help him and you made him sick. Everyone knows dogs are allergic to chocolate, but you gave him chocolate anyway and he dies and it's _your fucking fault_."

Josh is crying and Tyler's brain is going in 20 different directions. First he has to clarify, though.

"I'm the dog? And the chocolate is us having sex?"

Josh nods, scrubbing tears from his face.

"And you love me?"

"Yes," Josh chokes, blue hair falling into his eyes.

Tyler presses his hand, palm out, to the screen door. "But I didn't die, Josh. I'm fine."

"You didn't die _yet_. But you could, if we did that again. If I so much as come near you again."

"Nu-uh. We spent a lot of time together not making out or having sex and I was fine."

Tyler looks pointedly at his hand, waits for Josh's to join him. When it does the warmth makes him melt, and he can feel Josh's skin through the mesh of the screen. He presses harder, leans his forehead against the screen.

"You can come in if you want," Tyler offers meekly. "My parents won't be back with Zack for at least another hour."

"Tyler, I can't-"

"If you don't come inside I'm coming out there."

"Please don't-"

"The door's already unlocked. All you have to do is open it."

Tyler's willing to stand here all day arguing with Josh if it means he'll be able to feel more of Josh's heat for even a millisecond.

So when Josh's hand leaves his he's convinced he's going to have to chase after him across the yard, wrap his arms around Josh's legs, and get dragged through the dirt if that's what it takes to make Josh stay.

But Josh's hand slides to the handle of the door and he opens it. Tyler takes a step back, and then another. Josh closes both the screen and glass doors behind him. Tyler is wringing his hands together and rubbing his foot against the floor.

"You can touch me," Tyler says, but it's more of a plea than anything else. _Please touch me pleasepleaseplease I've never wanted anything so bad_.

Josh is still hesitant, but Tyler gives him time. Doesn't want to scare him away again. Even though Josh's dog analogy had done a good job of explaining everything, Tyler's still skeptical.

Eventually Josh steps forward and places a hand on Tyler's shoulder. It takes all of his willpower not to turn his face into Josh's wrist, to kiss his way up Josh's arm, across his shoulder up to his perfect mouth.

Josh's other hand goes to the back of his neck, reeling him in for a hug while the hand on Tyler's shoulder then fists into the back of his shirt.

Tyler makes a small noise and smashes his face against the soft skin of Josh's neck. His arms are around Josh's solid waist, squeezing as hard as he can.

"I'm _so_ sorry I made you sick, Tyler. I was so worried and I hate myself. I hate that I did that to you." Josh's words are ushered into the top of Tyler's head, words fluttering through his hair like tiny birds.

Tyler pulls back and let's the words roll down his back, tumbling and crumbling as he tips his head to look at Josh. "I love you, too. And the difference between me and a dog is that I _know_ there are things that aren't good for me, that could make me sick. And I want them anyway. I want you anyway."

He doesn't mean to say Josh isn't good for him, but he trusts Josh knows what he means. To make up for it, he surges forward and up, pressing a chaste kiss to Josh's chin. The fingers Josh still has in Tyler's hair tighten.

Tyler wants to kiss him again, this time on his lips, even though he knows that's a bad idea. Before he can formulate a plan on how to put his bad idea into action, however, Josh is grabbing at his wrist and turning his hand over. The yellow dye from the pills is smeared down Tyler's palm, like a plasma arc on the sun. Josh rubs his thumb through the yellow, kneading it into Tyler's skin.

"Where are the pills?"

"Upstairs."

Josh lets out a shaky breath, still holding tight to Tyler's hand. "If we're gonna do this, we need to set rules. A lot of them."

"I can handle rules." Tyler feels like his heart is about to throw up with love.

"And there's also the small matter of your parents."

"Let me deal with them."

-

They decide that it was most likely the kissing that made Tyler sick, and not the actual sex. Josh offers that it was _actually_ most likely because he kissed Tyler after eating him out, which makes Tyler blush and cover his face. They still play it safe, though - no actual sex, no making out, and no open-mouthed kisses period. They determine that regular kisses are fine, as long as there's no actual swapping of saliva or other bodily fluids.

And if there is, Tyler is to head straight to the bathroom and brush his teeth, after which he should take a pill. That happens a lot more often than Tyler would like because he always forgets himself, opens his mouth under Josh's so Josh will give him what he wants. Josh just snaps and points Tyler toward the bathroom.

Josh also keeps a small bottle of hand sanitizer with him at all times, whips it out and slathers his hands and wrists in it whenever he's about to touch Tyler. Tyler's pretty sure he'd squirt the shit in his mouth if he could. But it seems to work so he doesn't complain. Not with Josh's hands on him - on his hips, the sides of his neck, his thighs.

As for his parents, Tyler decides honesty is the best policy. There's no way in hell he's going to tell them he and Josh had sex, but he does reveal (as delicately as he possibly can) that he and Josh really like each other and Tyler got sick because Josh kissed him. Tyler's dad looks ready to kick Josh's ass. Tyler told Josh being present for this conversation wasn't necessary and probably detrimental to his health, but Josh wanted to be there.

To ask Tyler's parents' permission to date their son, apparently.

Josh's fingers are pressing hard into the top of the Josephs' kitchen table and Tyler is pretty proud that his hopefully soon-to-be-boyfriend (the thought makes his heart seize) isn't quailing under his dad's gaze.

"Mr. and Mrs. Joseph, I care about Tyler a lot. I wanted to formally apologize for making Tyler sick. There's nothing I can say that will ever make up for it, but…I know I make him happy so maybe that's a start. We've talked a lot about the…intricacies of Tyler's health and what we can do safely that won't make him sick again." A blush rises on Josh's cheeks at this. "Of course that's not a lot, but I'm fine with that. I would never do something that I knew was going to hurt him. I know Tyler can never have what a lot of people would consider a normal relationship. But I'd love to have your blessing to call him my boyfriend."

To Tyler's surprise, his dad's expression has softened. "Convincing argument," he mutters.

It's a lot easier than Tyler would have suspected. Although maybe it's not that surprising - Josh's words have everyone at the table misty-eyed, including Tyler. They're holding hands under the table and Josh squeezes his fingers.

Josh sways his parents enough that they agree, but with stipulations of their own. And Tyler was telling the truth when he said he could handle rules, so he just puts his hand on Josh's thigh and listens intently.

Josh can only come over when Tyler's parents or Zack are home. Already Tyler sees an in because while their parents may have complete faith in Zack to tattle on Tyler if he sees his brother doing something against the rules, Tyler knows that Zack is actually oblivious.

Second, Tyler's door is never to be shut when Josh is there. Harrowing, but Tyler has no choice but to agree.

And third, Josh isn't allowed to spend the night. Under any circumstances.

All things Tyler can deal with. Because it means he's Josh's now and Josh is his and everything is _right_.

-

Of course they find ways to bend the rules.

For instance, Josh comes over after class on days Zack is home. Tyler sets his alarm for a couple hours and then Josh spoons up behind him and they nap together. That way Josh isn't actually spending the _night_ , but Tyler is allowed the luxury of sleeping with his boyfriend, of feeling like they actually have one of those _normal_ relationships Josh mentioned.

Then there are days where they don't necessarily bend the rules, but the rules don't even really apply. These are the days where Tyler's sick, running a fever and trembling all over. Josh leans Tyler back against him in bed and lays a cool wash cloth on his forehead, runs his fingers through Tyler's hair. They lay like that watching Netflix and when Tyler's mom checks in on them she doesn't say a word.

Because Josh is taking care of her son like he said he would.

The thought of that always makes Tyler keen, dig his heels into the sheets and press himself back against Josh. Because Josh is _here_ and he understands and he makes Tyler feel so good and so safe and sometimes it's all too much for Tyler. Tyler, who's spent the last seven years so sensory-deprived and starved for intimacy that even the brush of Josh's fingers across his shoulder makes him shudder.

Josh shushes him, but nibbles at his earlobe for good measure. Because he's an ass.

There's a night where Josh comes over after playing a show, sweaty and red-faced and jumping around Tyler's room as he tells Tyler all about it, at Tyler's behest of course. Tyler would love to see Josh play some time - he knows Josh throws his all into performances and he's probably really sexy onstage. Tyler is more than a little jealous of all the people who get to see him play.

Josh doesn't touch him until he takes a shower at Tyler's house, changing into the clothes he brought with him. And even then, all he has the energy to do is curl his fingers around Tyler's thigh before collapsing on the bed and promptly passing out.

Tyler knows he should wake him up. But he sees no reason to disturb him, other than the fact that his mom might throw a fit when she checks on them. Josh might even wake up before then so Tyler takes Josh's hand from his leg and sits in his chair texting Jenna.

He sends her a picture of Josh asleep, mouth open and a bit of drool at the corner of his lips.

_Look @ this nerd._

_barf._  
_you guys are sickeningly cute._  
_i love it._  
_i thought ur mom n dad said no sleeping over tho?_

_they did, but he just fell asleep on me._  
_what am i supposed to do wake him up?_

_lol if you don't want ur parents to go ballistic yes._

But Tyler doesn't. He watches some YouTube videos and waits for his mom to come upstairs. She does so about an hour later, stopping in Tyler's doorway and planting her hands on her hips.

"Tyler, what did I tell you-"

"He just fell asleep, Ma. I don't wanna wake him up - he was exhausted. I promise I'll wake him up in a little bit and send him home."

Tyler's mom eyes the two of them, but when she speaks again her voice is hushed. "Alright. Your father and I are going to bed. If I get up tomorrow and he's still here, there will be Hell to pay."

Tyler just blows her a kiss.

A few minutes later he hears his parents get in bed. He lifts himself from the chair and sets his alarm for an hour before his parents normally get up.

He settles on the bed behind Josh, who has curled up in his sleep, and becomes the big spoon for the first time. It's nice, he decides, tucking his legs behind Josh's and kissing the nape of his boyfriend's neck.

Josh mumbles something in his sleep and tosses his head. Tyler is the one to hush him this time, ghosting his fingers down Josh's side and closing his eyes.

-

And then there are days where they throw caution to the wind and very nearly break the rules completely. Because even though Tyler's parents didn't mention it specifically he's pretty sure they wouldn't be happy about Josh jerking their son off under their roof.

Yet here they are.

His mom and dad are at work and Zack is still asleep even though it's half past 12. So Tyler isn't technically breaking any rules because his parents never specified whether or not Zack had to be among the land of the living when Josh came over.

"Josh, please, I need-"

"Shh, gotta be quiet, baby."

Zack's door makes this squeaking noise whenever it opens so Josh has been edging Tyler for close to an hour, pausing every few seconds to listen for it. It's driving Tyler crazy, mewling and writhing in Josh's lap, bucking his hips up with all the strength he has. Which, admittedly, isn't very much. He's sick again, wearing a grey hoodie and sweats Josh has pushed down around his thighs.

Josh kisses down Tyler's neck, wet open-mouthed kisses that have Tyler's cock drooling on the front of his sweatshirt. Josh will have to put it in the wash for him when they're done and oh _fuck_ , he's running his fingers through the mess at the head of Tyler's dick, bringing it to his lips and sucking it off.

"God, Ty, you taste so good."

Tyler can't take it anymore, presses his forehead, hot and feverish, against Josh's temple, grabs Josh's hand and puts it on his thigh. "If you just- just went for like, a minute straight I could cum. _Please_ , Joshie."

Josh's eyes flash to the doorway and Tyler whimpers. "I promise he's not gonna wake up any time soon. He went to bed at like 3 last night, please, _Josh_ -"

And then Josh is wrapping his hand around Tyler's cock again, stripping it fast and hard and suctioning his lips to the spot just behind Tyler's ear. Tyler almost shouts, head lolling back against Josh's shoulder. He stuffs the sleeve of his hoodie in his mouth to muffle the sound, but Josh pulls his arm away.

Tyler's very confused for a second because does Josh want him to make noise or not? He needs to make up his mind.

Josh is nosing insistently at Tyler's jaw. "Ty, look at me."

Tyler does so, going cross-eyed because it feels so good. And Josh kisses him, hard. He keeps his mouth closed, but Tyler almost forgets himself again and opens his. But he doesn't. Because then Josh will freak out and send him to the bathroom with the bluest balls anyone ever had in the history of blue balls.

Instead he whines against Josh's lips, scrapes his hands up Josh's thighs on either side of him, and cums. He tries to catch most of it with his hand, but is mildly unsuccessful - most of it still splatters on the pocket of his hoodie as he shakes and tries to remember not to lick out at Josh's mouth.

Josh jerks him slowly through it until he stops shaking, then rests his hand on Tyler's thigh and just looks at him. Tyler has his eyes closed, but he knows Josh is looking because every few seconds he can feel the gush of Josh's breath over his face.

This is normal, though. Ever since what Tyler has taken to calling The Puking Incident, Josh watches him after they do anything remotely taxing to Tyler's body. He figures it took about a minute for Tyler to start vomiting after they had sex, so he always waits a minimum of five before declaring Tyler healthy. Well, healthier than he was that day.

Tyler doesn't mind because it gives him time to cool down and because he likes knowing Josh is here looking after him. Knowing that Josh understands all of this. Because he never thought anyone would, other than his family. Never thought anyone would even get the _chance_ to understand, for Tyler to teach them, because he knew he wouldn't ever meet anyone new. Or thought he wouldn't.

"I love you," Tyler rasps, exhausted and back to feeling gross and sick.

"I love you." Josh makes to get up, presumably to start cleaning them up and toss Tyler's hoodie in the washer.

But Tyler turns and bumps his head against Josh's cheek. "Stay, please? Just for a minute."

They haven't heard the squeak of Zack's door, which evidently sets Josh at ease enough to continue cradling Tyler against him and running his fingers through his hair. Tyler could fall asleep like this, but he tries not to.

"One o' these days 'm gonna make you sick," he mumbles against Josh's collarbone.

Josh laughs and Tyler can hear it in his throat. "Not likely. I have the immune system of an ox."

"What does that even _mean_?" Tyler giggles.

Josh jostles him. "Y'know, because oxen are strong."

They spend the next few minutes arguing over the plural of ox, until Tyler physically can't keep his eyes open anymore.

"Ty, I need this." Josh tugs at the bottom of Tyler's hoodie. He manhandles Tyler around until he can get the sweatshirt off, then tucks him back in bed. "Sleep. I'll be back in a minute."

Tyler nods and mumbles sleepily, but he's too tired to even wake up when Josh returns.

-

In early August Tyler's parents have a cookout in the backyard. His dad fires up the grill and teaches Zack how to cook the steaks while Tyler and Josh stay inside, eating hot dogs and potato salad. Tyler's hot dog is black and he eyes Josh's food enviously.

When he glances out the porch door and sees Zack playing volleyball with their cousin Devon he sulks over his plate. "You can go outside if you want," he tells Josh. "I won't be upset."

Josh wipes a glob of ketchup from the corner of Tyler's lips. "Why would I wanna go outside?"

Tyler shrugs. "To play volleyball or talk to people. I dunno."

"I'm here for _you_ , Tyler."

Tyler imagines this can't be a regular cookout that Josh is used to, spending the whole time inside. There's a reason they're not called cook _ins_.

But Aunt Jessica arrives shortly after that and then everyone is there for baby Nate, including Josh.

Josh holds Nate to his chest and coos softly at him. Tyler is mesmerized. Josh is great with kids, he realizes. Fantastic, even. Nate is giggling and bunching his little fists in Josh's T-shirt. He even falls asleep and fusses when Josh goes to hand him back to Aunt Jessica.

When Tyler gets exhausted and starts feeling nauseous, Josh leads him upstairs by the hand and sits next to him on the bed, letting Tyler lean against him as he rubs his stomach.

"I think your family likes me," Josh whispers, sounding pleased with himself.

But Tyler's mind is miles away, venturing through uncharted territory. Of course his family likes Josh - that was never even in question for Tyler. He's pretty sure everyone who's ever met Josh likes him.

No, Tyler keeps seeing Josh with this kid, another baby that looks nothing like Nate. This baby has dark hair and dark eyes, and looks a little like Tyler and a lot like Josh.

"Would you ever want kids?"

Josh's hand barely even stutters on his stomach. "Sure, I'm open to kids."

Tyler turns, presses Josh away from him with a hand on his shoulder. "I think we should have some."

Josh laughs at the determined look on Tyler's face. "Now?"

"No, not _now_." Tyler rolls his eyes. "One day. I don't know how we'd do it, but we should."

Josh gets this expression on his face, and Tyler can't quite place it. "Y'know, Ty, you might still get better." It's the first time he's said anything of the sort, shown any sign of hope that Tyler's situation might change. "Medicine is always changing and who knows? In a few years they might have something that could help you or cure you even."

"Not holding my breath," Tyler grumbles.

"Neither am, I really. But you never know." Josh pulls Tyler close once more, nipping at the tip of his nose. "Besides, I love you the way you are now. Nothing's ever going to change that - not your health, not your love for Batman, and certainly not the absence of some snot-nosed kid running around."

Tyler knows Josh is just trying to make him feel better, but it still makes him sad to think that they might never have a snot-nosed kid of their own. He kisses Josh's chin, slides his lips along the curve of his jaw, and rests his head in the crook of Josh's shoulder. Tears spring to his eyes, spilling onto the collar of Josh's shirt.

He sobs and Josh wraps an arm around his shoulders, his other hand gripping at Tyler's waist. "It's okay, Ty. I'm open to kids, but I'm not 100% on having them yet. We're still young and we might change our minds when we're older."

 _What if we don't change our minds?_ Tyler wants to ask. _What if I'm sick forever and we never have the kids we want and I can never give you a normal relationship and you spend the rest of your life taking care of me until I die and leave you all alone? Then what?_

He doesn't say any of that. Because Josh already knows what he's thinking, knows Tyler's feelings toward his illness.

Sometimes Tyler thinks Josh made a mistake picking him. With anyone else he could be in the backyard drinking lemonade and making small talk with his significant other's family. And instead he's trapped inside with Tyler.

But Tyler knows Josh doesn't see it as being trapped. He can tell by the look on Josh's face whenever they look at each other, the way Josh's eyes light up when he comes into Tyler's room after one night apart.

He can tell by the look on Josh's face now, how in love with him Josh is.

"Joshie?" Tyler glances to Josh's lips, trying to show him what he wants. "Please?"

Josh puts his fingers under Tyler's chin, tilting his face up and ghosting his breath across Tyler's mouth. "You brush your teeth after this, then take a pill."

Tyler nods and Josh crashes their lips together like waves hitting the shore.

Like a promise.

-

On a cool day in mid-September is when his world falls apart.

He's already pretty upset - the leaves have already started changing color and the light jackets everyone has started to wear when they go out terrify him. September heralds the coming of Fall and eventually Winter.

The cold months are not easy on Tyler, who gets sick much more readily and has to be extra careful. If not, he can easily come down with a bout of the flu that lasts a month or longer.

He has Josh now, though, which he's looking forward to. Can't wait for those chilly afternoons when he can wrap himself around Josh and sap his warmth. Maybe he can eventually convince his parents to let Josh spend the night.

The thought of waking with his face cold but the rest of his body warm and sweaty against Josh's makes him shiver and glance out of the window.

Josh is in class now and Tyler's antsy waiting for him to get home. He's on AIM with Jenna in the meantime, discussing the new Five Nights at Freddy's.

 _It's just the same shit over and over_ , Tyler explains.  
_it hardly even scares me anymore._

_liar._  
_tell me if freddy fazbear appeared in ur room in the middle of the night you wouldn't shit the bed._

_what kind of question is that?_  
_Of course i would._  
_i'm talking abt strictly in-game mechanics._  
_it's old hat now._  
_besides_  
_josh would defend me if there ever were any evil animatronics in my room in the middle of the night._

_WHY are you guys so grossly cute_  
_ur parents changed their minds abt the spending the night thing?_

_Not yet but i wanna ask them soon_  
_also he just got home so i'll text you in a bit._

_m'kay._  
_don't do anything i wouldn't do._

The roar of the Volvo dies down and Tyler watches as Josh gets out, grabs his backpack from the back seat, and starts down the drive toward Tyler's. But Josh's dad appears at the door and calls him back. They have a short conversation and eventually Josh turns and heads into his house.

A moment later Tyler's phone beeps with a text from Josh: _hey im home but my dad wanted 2 talk so ill be over in a bit. <3_

Tyler hops back on AIM.

_Hey nvm his dad needed to talk to him abt something so i have a few._

_"hey son i hear you've been plowing the kid across the street…"_

_LMAO STOP._

_that's an actual conversation going on right now, tyler. you can't deny it._

_i can and i will._

Tyler gets so sucked in talking to Jenna that he loses track of time and only realizes Josh should be here by now when Jenna logs off and Tyler glances at the clock. It's been an hour.

"Tyler?"

The voice makes Tyler jump, hitting his knee on the underside of his desk. "What the fuck!"

When he turns it's only Josh, though, stood in the doorway.

"Oh, you scared the shit out of me," Tyler exhales, hand clutching at his chest.

Josh steps into his room and comes toward him, not saying a word. Tyler doesn't sense anything out of the ordinary, reaches up for their customary hug and is surprised when Josh ducks his head, capturing Tyler's lips in a kiss.

Tyler grins, pulling back. "Josh?"

But Josh surges forward, pressing his lips to Tyler's once more, licking into Tyler's mouth this time. Tyler makes an eager noise, loves when Josh initiates the more intimate moments of their relationship, because he does it so seldom.

They break apart for more air. "J-Josh?"

Josh still doesn't answer, slides his arms around Tyler's waist and hoists him from the chair. To avoid slipping from Josh's grasp, Tyler wraps his legs around Josh's hips, even though he's still utterly bewildered.

They kiss once more - hard, passionate kisses as Josh sinks down onto the bed with Tyler in his lap.

When they break apart again, Josh waits all of a second before he's leaning in for more, eyes hungry, but Tyler places his hands on Josh's neck. "Josh. Are you okay?"

Josh looks dazed for a second, eyes focused on Tyler's lips. Then his gaze hardens. "No." His eyes flicker up to Tyler's. "We need to talk."

And oh God, here it is. Here's where Josh breaks up with him, tells him he can't do this anymore, that he hates Tyler for wasting so much of his time, time he could have spent on someone else.

"I'm moving again."

And that…that is way worse than anything Tyler expected Josh to say. That is way worse than being broken up with, than being told he wasted Josh's time. Josh could stab him in the stomach right now and it would hurt less.

Tyler's been all kinds of sick over the past seven years - vomiting, cold symptoms, the flu, headaches, migraines, fatigue, you name it Tyler has had to deal with it.

This is the first time he feels like he might be having a heart attack. His chest hurts, a deep ache in time with his heart beating. And he's short of breath, clutching at the front of his shirt as he tries to draw air into his lungs.

"Tyler? Say something."

But all Tyler can manage is "W-w-why?"

Josh's hands are pressed against the small of his back, fingernails digging in. "The mall here is done and he got another job offer out in California."

 _California?_ Tyler's head is swimming and he's seeing stars, feels himself reeling backward.

"Tyler!" Josh just catches him, drawing him forward against his torso. Tyler is so dizzy and his vision is blurry.

"I don't feel so good," he mumbles, traces his fingers along the tops of Josh's shoulders, just to make sure he's still there. The feelings are still foreign, though, and closing his eyes makes him feel less lightheaded.

Josh is apologizing, pressing sorry's into Tyler's hair, his neck, his shoulder, anywhere he can reach. Tyler still has his eyes closed, breathing shallowly, when he asks, "Your dad just told you?"

"Yeah." The word is barely more than a whisper.

Tyler opens his eyes and stares blankly at the wall. "What're we gonna do?"

"I…I don't know."

But they have to figure _something_ out - Tyler did not come this far to lose out on Josh now. He suggests everything he can think of. What if Tyler comes with Josh and his family? What if Josh stays here with him? What if Josh gets his own place to stay in Columbus? What if Tyler and Josh get their own place together? What if Tyler and Josh run away together? What if space aliens come and abduct everyone and Tyler finds out all of this is some cosmic joke the universe has played on him?

Nothing seems to stick.

Tyler can't come with the Duns, Josh can't stay with the Josephs, and Josh can't get his own place in Columbus because he just doesn't have the money for it yet.

As much as it _sucks_ , they decide simply to stay in touch via text message, Skype, phone calls, and any other means possible. Josh says he'll continue to play drums for any bands he finds out there to earn enough money to come back to Ohio. And Tyler will do chores around the house to earn some allowance money. Probably not much, but Tyler was willing to sell his organs on the black market before Josh shot that idea down, the killjoy.

The rest of the afternoon they spend together, unwilling to stop touching each other for even a second. Tyler sits in Josh's lap in the cramped chair while they watch the front street, they curl around each other to watch Netflix, and Tyler spontaneously breaks out into tears until he feels like he can't cry anymore. Josh cries, too, but he's a lot quieter and much more discreet about it than Tyler.

They have sex a second time, because they both need it. It's slow and soft and Tyler cries even though he thought he'd exhausted the last of his tears and he can't even bring himself to feel self-conscious about being the guy who cries during sex.

Doing his best to keep quiet, Josh mutters against Tyler's ear, "In the future, we'll be able to do this as much as we want. Kiss each other whenever we want and fall asleep together every night."

Josh is trying to keep Tyler from falling apart completely, Tyler can tell. But Tyler doesn't want to wait until _the future_. He wants all of that from Josh _now_ , wants to keep him here forever and never let him go. So he clings to Josh for dear life, because there's nothing else he can do.

He stares at the ceiling and he's _terrified_ of what's to come.

-

Josh leaves on September 21st, four months to the day since Tyler first saw him, first became enamored with his blue hair and crinkly eyes.

It's just as hard as you'd imagine, saying goodbye to someone you love. They don't know if it's goodbye forever, but Tyler has to hope it isn't because he's already enough of a mess as it is - he has to believe he'll see Josh again because if he thinks about losing him forever he might just fucking pass out.

Tyler gives Josh some things he's been gathering since Josh told him, things he wants Josh to have. A few of the papers Tyler saved from his notepad, his pair of Batman briefs (which, hey, if Josh wants to use them for dirty, nefarious purposes while he's away that's his prerogative - Tyler was just being cute), and his dad's binoculars. They aren't his to give, and he knows that, but he feels Josh should have them all the same.

"Tyler, you should keep these." Josh's voice is rough when he tries to hand the binoculars back.

Tyler fervently pushes Josh's hand back toward him. "No. You're gonna spy on people in California and then you're gonna keep your promise and come back to me and tell me about everything you saw."

In return, Josh gives him his alien white board and a lingering kiss. Tyler is alive everywhere with fire and heat and, above all, _love_. Because that's the most important thing, right? That Tyler loves Josh and Josh loves Tyler.

He has to believe that because then Josh is gone and Tyler is left alone in his bedroom watching his family pack through the window.

It's all very depressing and Tyler can't stop shaking, rubbing tears from his eyes and pressing his hand to the window because he never got enough. Of Josh. 18 years of life and Tyler only got 4 months of Joshua Dun?

Bullshit.

He hurries downstairs and pulls the front door open. The air that wafts in is chilly, even more so because Tyler's wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and no socks.

He's reminded of that day Josh came over to talk about Debby, how he'd told himself it would only take one step to be outside. Just a step. Tyler takes steps all the time, everyone does. Even Nate would be walking soon. Baby steps.

Tyler places one foot outside, then the other. The gravel of the pathway up to their house is rough under his feet, but the sun. For the past 4 months Josh has been his sun, but now he can feel a different heat. It's not better than Josh's heat, just _other_.

The breeze barely bothers him as he takes shaky steps toward the sidewalk and then out into the road. The asphalt is hot beneath his toes.

When Josh sees him, he's screaming his name, telling him to get back inside. But Tyler can barely hear him - all he hears are the birds chirping, the wind in the trees, the swaying of the grass.

"Josh, I'm fine. Look at me - I'm fine."

"You're not fine, Tyler. Are you crazy? You-"

Josh is trying to manhandle Tyler back into his house, but Tyler struggles against his hold, finally manages to wile his way between Josh's arms and kiss him. "I love you. Don't forget about me."

That seems to stop Josh short, hazel eyes glinting in the sun. "I'm coming back for you, Tyler. Because I love you. Wait for me."

Tyler would wait an eternity in the pouring rain for Josh. He would brave the deepest, darkest parts of Hell and the cavernous expanse of his sickness made manifest for Josh. He would die for Josh.

He watches the moving van pull away, followed by the green Volvo, until they both turn the corner.

Tyler's vision starts to fade at the edges.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks so much for reading. This story is a long time coming - it's the lengthiest thing I've ever written and has been my baby for the past week or two. So I'm forever grateful to anyone who reads the whole thing, further to anyone who actually enjoys it. Thank you so much.
> 
> I would like some feedback on the formatting of this - for future fics that are on the longer side, do you prefer reading through chapters in a series or in one long fic like this?
> 
> Come to my [Tumblr](http://gunsvorhands.tumblr.com/) and scream about Joshler with me.


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